Friendship

I think friendship can come in a few different forms. I have a few friends that I know personally and I would trust them with my life, they are just that awesome. I have made a few online who I met in person since they happened to live close to me, and I am still friends with them. Actually, they are my closest friends....Chris, David, Monica, Trent and others. I think it more than a mere coincidence that we met online and just happened to live fairly close together.


We have all moved apart due to our jobs and lives; they have all relocated to towns/cities that are far away from me now, and it isn't easy to visit them. I miss their company, but I cannot replace them with just anyone. I have a few people that I hang out with, but for the most part, I am pretty much a loner. This is not due to the fact that I cannot make more friends, I know I could. I don't like to surround myself with just anyone though, I find it hard to enjoy the company of most.


I am a good actress though, and I could fool anyone into thinking I am enjoying the conversation. I gained these skills by being a salesperson for a couple of years. We were taught that we had to sell ourselves to the person before we actually could sell the product - no one wants to buy from a salesperson they don't trust. I quickly learned to be versatile and relate to people in conversation and really get on their level. Once I got into my sales mode, you wouldn't know me. It's one reason I don't trust sales people...it's always an act, of course.

So yes, I am quite capable of carrying on a conversation and being very pleasant.


I do not actually enjoy being in the presence of most people though, and I have selfish reasons for that.


The other day, I spoke with someone about selfishness and how all that we do as humans ultimately is rooted in selfishness. I will stress this a bit more in this post tonight. I truly have selfish reasons for my finickiness for company.


Why?


Well, it is simple: if I do not gain anything from the conversation, it isn't all that interesting...


Now, don't go hating me for making such a comment or thinking of me as a bitch, let me explain.



I'll just explain the perfect company to you, or at least try to explain it in order to convey what I like. I like learning from people. I like it when I am able to have a conversation where I walk away refreshed, feeling as if I was enriched or enhanced in some way. Whether I was able to gain knowledge about factual information, inspiration and feelings that build me up or attained new knowledge of the person, I like having that feeling of becoming a better person by taking in the environment around me.


One may think of that as selfish, and YES it is! It's ok, stating the truth doesn't make it more selfish than it was when it was unsaid.


Now, the other day my friend Tiffany was really bummed. She is in college, working full time and is considering taking on a second job part time to help pay for her bills. She and her guy are struggling to make ends meet. She is taking 15 hours per week of classes, and she just really has her hands full. She was also being griped at by her mom who was accusing her of being irresponsible for other issues. I know Tiffany has had it hard, she is a good friend of mine. I was very sympathetic toward her and tried to do all I could to help her in her time of need. I truly felt compassion for her and wanted so badly to take away the burden because she works so hard and always has the world on her shoulders. I listened a lot and tried to remind her of the faith I had in her... I'll get to my point now...

My point is that this action of mine may have seemed unselfish. After all, I didn't "gain" anything by this conversation did I? I did say above that I like to walk away having gained something from the conversation.


I did gain something actually.


I still served my own interest, or did what I wanted because I hated to see my friend in pain. I did not like to see her like that, what friend would? It provokes emotions within us that are not pleasant, obviously! So I wanted to take that pain away and make it better, because, after all, once she is happy again, I will be happy again. Make sense?

This is not something I exclusively do alone, no we all do it. It's human nature. It's not "Amanda nature", it's just the way we all are!



So truly, this is actually a selfish blog post then.



I felt I had to say all this in order to get to what is on my mind, or at least what little I can convey of what is on my mind, that is.


Friendship is a wonderful thing, despite my mixed views on it. I think in so many ways, friendship is selfish, yes but... I am striving to try to still be as unselfish as I can, if that makes sense. Being unselfish still makes me feel good though, so it's redundant!


Jesus said something about a good deed that is done in private is better than one done in public where everyone can praise you for it. I have so many things I would like to give to and to tell a friend, but I feel so selfish for wanting those things at all. In the end, it seems I can only serve my own desires.


I think this blog is becoming more and more mysterious, but I cannot be too frank for many reasons.



I once had a friend online named Dianne. She and I haven't spoken in a few months, but we try to catch each other as much as possible. I've known her now for over 3 years online. She is 37 now and we met in a chat room. We quickly discovered we had so much in common that went back to our childhood days. She and I shared things with one another that we've never told others about regarding our childhoods. The things that happened when we were younger shaped our sexualities, so yes I'll go ahead and say she is a lesbian. We often startled each other with how similar we were, it was just uncanny - unheard of even! She saw so much in me as far as my mind's potential, and constantly uplifted my spirits and encouraged me to have more confidence. She had a great impact on my life...she told me she was so impressed with me that our conversations were some of the most important moments of her life.

Does that sound sad?


Perhaps it does to someone a bit closed-minded. Try to step out of your judgmental tendency to want to say, "Wow, that's pathetic. Those two need a life!" and listen.


A simple conversation where words are exchanged that uplift and give hope - one robbed of fake formalities and the shallow bullshit that infects our brains to numbing point - can often have more impact than a million lighthearted conversations that lack substance. Having online friends does not make me a person with no life; I have both kinds of friends. Both have proved to have an effect on my life.


Dianne is a pessimist, a very sarcastic realist. Yet, despite her tough exterior, she is one of the most caring people I have met. She simply has strong opinions, kind of like me in fact. She once told me how I had impacted her life and to what extent. She went so far as to say I had restored her faith in humanity because she believed that the ideals we strive for had long been dead and gone until we started talking.


I really thought she was kind of exaggerating, but I think I now understand what she meant now 2 or so years later...



Actually, I know for a fact that I understand what she meant and how she felt. I too had let my hopes fall pretty low, and I didn't even know it. I didn't realize I'd let myself fall into a rut by not having anything to strive for or reach after, no ideals or direction. No spark of inspiration, no goals or purpose behind becoming a better person. No desire to expand my mind or heart, feeling as if there was no purpose since all the world around me seemed to be beneath my feet and there was nothing left to learn... I was so wrong. I'm glad I was really.


Inspiration often comes from the most unlikely sources. I've now been inspired to do all those things I just spoke of...to expand my mind, to learn once more and use whatever gifts I possess, whatever they may be. I am now in a mode of self discovery that I've not felt for almost 10 years. I now feel purpose, and although I seem to lack direction, I feel an extreme amount of joy in feeling my mind has no limits. I feel I do not know where it will lead me, but I am motivated to let it go wherever.


One may wonder why I spoke of selfishness earlier and how it may tie into what I am now speaking of regarding my friendships and newfound found motivation. Well, that will take quite a bit of courage (yes, I said courage) to explain, and I cannot even fully explain it either.


You see, it lies in a person and my purpose in posting this blog is truly a selfish purpose. I have struggled with such a selfish desire to tell this person that they have had such an impact on me, but how do I do that? How do you tell a person something like that? I can't, but if I don't... it will bother me. I've tried to write down my feelings and channel them that way, but it only seems to amplify my anxiety to tell this person. I made a stinking vow to not tell them for a long time, for certain reasons.... why do I feel so anxious to tell them? After all, I won't necessarily gain anything from it, will I? I guess I will gain something actually, because I'll have more peace of mind. I'm afraid of what this person will think if I actually come out and say, "Hey I think you're the most inspiring person I've ever spoken to and you have improved my life!" I can't say that, can I? Or can I? I think that person would be very confused.

I think that person would not believe me, not because they would doubt me and my words, but because they do not realize how stunning they are. They don't know how it feels to be someone on the receiving end of their words in a conversation. If only we could truly view ourselves from the eyes of others sometimes, we would all be more well rounded and understanding.


I want to tell this person and toss my promise to keep my views to myself aside for a couple of reasons....


I want this person to know because if I don't tell them, I'll probably die of anxiety. Each time we speak, I have to hold myself back from saying "You're brilliant!"


The other reason I want to tell them NOW is a simple, cliche one: we don't know if tomorrow will come, and then I might miss my chance.


If a person is that incredible, they should be told, right? I might miss my chance, and that thought scares me because I really want them to know. I wish I could just drop some anonymous note to this person, without them knowing who it was from, and tell them all these things. If I did that though, my words would have no credibility because they wouldn't know who it was from. I wonder if any of this blog makes any sense at all. I doubt anyone will understand... I am so frustrated. I am between a rock and a hard place, as the saying goes.


I didn't think friendship would have this great of an effect on me, certainly not. I was so stuck in my ways of simple life, not moving and not craving anything more, I had long ago stopped thinking outside of the box. I was moved to actually wake up and I owe this person so much. They are unaware I believe, for the most part. I mean... I have really tried to keep my words in check.


Frustrated, frustrated, frustrated..... and my words are so ungraceful and unrefined right now. I don't really care, this is a blog after all so fuck it.



Well, I hope I can tell this person without sounding too foolish. I still am convinced that my motives for telling this person are rooted in selfishness, so yeah...I am guilty of that. I just want them to know. I just do.


So this blog was weird, I know.

*shrugs*


I guess in conclusion, I can say I am glad to have their friendship.

(understatement of the year)


Peace out.