Don't ask me why I'm blogging useless dribble.
Tonight I was reading a literary work which inspires me and one which I keep referring back to in my little brain's filing cabinet of things that strike me as interesting, odd, alternative and beautiful all at the same time. I read it time to time and recite random lines to myself on some days. It's very pretty, and yet some would call it depressing. It's funny how our views of literature differ depending on the person and their life experiences.
I just got in from English class, and I got my first grade on an essay. She liked the content of both my essays, going out of her way to tell me so, in fact. It did not go unnoticed that she didn't compliment anyone else in the class. Should I be proud or sad? Well, I am a little of both, truth be told. My next assignment is to write a descriptive essay and the assignment is quite vague, but this works to my advantage this time because I am free to describe almost anything.
After sitting through a lecture on descriptive writing, I was reminded of this work that I like to read. As I drove home from the college, I began to think of my classmates and what might inspire them. Would anything move these guys? I wonder sometimes. They seem to be immovable rocks in reference to their views of literature. A genetic concoction of Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Jesus couldn't move these mindless numb skulls! I wondered if they would like the piece I was reading and if they would respond to it as I do. I somehow think that, despite its beauty, they would think nothing of my preference. After all, it doesn't have pictures, sex, interactive messaging, a link to their Facebook or even a pop-up display for all the kiddies to see. No...the writing material I am admiring tonight consists of mere words. Words. That's all.
"Oh how dull," they would think....
I wondered if a theatrical presentation would make a difference to them. What if a very influential reader were to read the story aloud? What then? Perhaps the speaker could read it with SUCH passion that the listeners would simply be enthralled by the words, thinking them as beautiful as angel's tongues straight from Heaven's halls in the clouds! Well, maybe not that nice, but perhaps a good, strong reader could capture their attention before they revert back to texting on the phones.
As I sat here on my couch once I got home and reread the material, I once again thought it beautiful and thought of how it would sound if read aloud.
"Could I do it justice?" I wondered...
And so I tried with my two cats as my audience to read aloud this passage that I think is just so brilliant and wonderful. Some have said I have a rather striking voice, and indeed I think it can be when I put mental muscle into it in order to imprint an impression on someone when needed. If anyone can do justice to the words by speaking them aloud surely I can! I chose a random line and began to say the words, giving oratory life to them as I tried - with little success - to satisfy the beauty they so richly deserved in a strong speaker. Alas, I failed...
The words came out of my mouth and fell right at my feet as soon as they left my lips. The words even sounded shallow after I said them. It was as if the beauty was all in my mind and my awkward voice ruined that beauty, tainting it, defiling it and gradually filling it with my own song instead of that of the angels of which this work is worthy. In other words, dear reader, I fucked it up. I didn't LIKE the way it sounded out loud, coming from me. How frustrating! Some things cannot ever be expressed I suppose...
Sorry my friend, I think Color Blind sounds so much better if I just read it silently. I wonder if there's anyone with a voice who could really read it the way it deserves to be read out loud.
It sounded so much better in my head
Monday, September 28, 2009
Mai Hime! Horrible manga!
Now I can truly say I am *never* reading the manga for Mai Hime! I mean, I LOVE me some ShizNat but, ugh ugh ugh...I knew the manga had none, so I had no interest in it. In fact, I heard Shizuru isn't even a freaking HiME and that is fucking tragic -.- So THANK YOU ERICA FRIEDMAN!
Here it is! In all its glory! The YURI HALL OF SHAME LIST: Click me!
Yes, I read her top five most horrible yuri manga picks and GUESS WHAT FOLKS! Mai HiME was number effing ONE! I'MUSINGALOTOFCAPSHAHAA o_O
Dude, I laughed my ass off. Finally, from a big source of reason in the world of yuri.....finally!
Below is what she had to say about Mai HiME the manga
1. My Hime
I liked the anime. I loved My Otome the anime. But oh my goodness, what an utter piece of crap the manga was. Again, a terrible story, poorly executed. The hardly-even thinly veiled hatred of women was galling; the men in this series were weak, spineless, grasping and repulsive.
The art was crowded and hard to follow, but that was all right because we really didn't want to know the details anyway. I feel bad for the translator, because it's not their fault that the dialogue was senseless.
The original was not good, translation into English did not add any positive qualities to what I consider the absolute worst translated manga I have ever read.
And now, I open the floor to you, my dear readers. What is your candidate for the worst translated manga you've ever read? Share your nominations!
Click the link for the full list.
Haaaaaaaaaaaa......
Here it is! In all its glory! The YURI HALL OF SHAME LIST: Click me!
Yes, I read her top five most horrible yuri manga picks and GUESS WHAT FOLKS! Mai HiME was number effing ONE! I'MUSINGALOTOFCAPSHAHAA o_O
Dude, I laughed my ass off. Finally, from a big source of reason in the world of yuri.....finally!
Below is what she had to say about Mai HiME the manga
1. My Hime
I liked the anime. I loved My Otome the anime. But oh my goodness, what an utter piece of crap the manga was. Again, a terrible story, poorly executed. The hardly-even thinly veiled hatred of women was galling; the men in this series were weak, spineless, grasping and repulsive.
The art was crowded and hard to follow, but that was all right because we really didn't want to know the details anyway. I feel bad for the translator, because it's not their fault that the dialogue was senseless.
The original was not good, translation into English did not add any positive qualities to what I consider the absolute worst translated manga I have ever read.
And now, I open the floor to you, my dear readers. What is your candidate for the worst translated manga you've ever read? Share your nominations!
Click the link for the full list.
Haaaaaaaaaaaa......
Yes indeed...
:P
Sunday, September 27, 2009
BLARGH ESSAYS SUCK
Automobiles: Is New Technology Necessarily Better?
"Don't put my flag on your foreign car," the bumper sticker threatened as it conveyed the political views of the truck driver in front of me. I wondered if the driver truly knew the advantages and disadvantages that foreign trade brings about in our shaky economical times as I sighed and thought of how typical it all was. Automobiles have become such an essential part of not only our economy, but our way of life in general - especially in America! Whether the driver is a simple, elderly person making trips down the block to the grocery store, a fearless, in-the-moment sweet 16 year old handling her new birthday present or a grungy college road tripper whose destination is unknown, we all have different views and appreciates of the vehicles that get us where we need to go. However, despite their advantages, automobiles have just as many downsides, and some may argue that they have more of a negative impact than what they are worth.
In today's society, if one does not own a vehicle of some sort, he or she may well be placed into a less fortunate category within the minds of the general public. The person may be seen as poor perhaps, or just less well off. The only exceptions to this judgment are perhaps the most populated cities (New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, etc) where public transportation is more common. Generally speaking, however, across this country there is a general expectation for most citizens to have their own vehicle and most households have more than one! As a part of independence, most of us acquire a car at some point in our lives in a victorious moment that we will never forget."My first car!" we shout jubilantly, knowing that while this is the first, there will be others that we will buy or acquire later on in life. Needless to say, it is quite out of the ordinary for us to get our daily tasks or jobs done by walking to our destinations on foot. Today, it is nearly unheard of.
We have not always had such elaborate forms of transportation, however. In the general timeline of humanity, only within the last two centuries have we made leaps and bounds in our goals to conquer life's objectives and make them easier simply by means of inventions which take the work out of work. For centuries, we relied on horses to be our primary method of getting from point A to point B. While it is good to be closer to your goals within a shorter amount of time, it could also be suggested that we as humans have also become lazier as a result of the convenient machines which perform tasks for us.
In addition to our desire to perform tasks quickly and efficiently, we also have become quite spoiled in our want for comfort; air conditioning, heated seats, a nice stereo to listen to and even a simple roof to shelter us from the elements are all factors which come into play in why it is more comfortable to ride in a car than to walk or ride a public bus. It is simply human nature to want these things, but it is also an outlook that is stressed as more of a "need" than a "want" in our prosperous nation. The average American household owns 2.2 cars, a staggering number in comparison to many countries. As a result of this, we are also the world's leading consumer of oil, naturally, with well over twenty million barrels per day used - that's 24.3 % of the world's oil usage. We are far ahead of China, which takes second place at 8.9%!
Automobile accidents are also the leading cause of death worldwide, and this is no surprise to most anyone considering how almost all of us know or have known someone who was in a car crash at some point. In 2008, there were an estimated 5,811,000 police-reported traffic crashes, in which 37,261 people were killed and 2,346,000 were injured. This number applies to America only, but imagine the number of deaths worldwide if given the same percentage of crashes to drivers. When we relied entirely upon carriages to take us places, having a fatal accident in one was nearly unheard of. Who would have thought that mobile inventions would also be so life threatening?
Cars and trucks may play a part in taking lives, but by the same token, they also serve us in saving them as well. Without speedy means of transportation, we would no doubt lose many, many lives in our futile efforts to tend to medical emergencies - many involving cars! Before our mobile machines were the primary form of transportation, one had to fetch a doctor either by foot or by horse which wasted precious time, especially considering lives were at risk. Now with the use of ambulances and helicopters, we are able to quickly arrive at such scenes and able to quickly deliver the patient to the hospital. It is a shame that some lives are lost, however, when ambulances do not arrive on time due to - of all things - traffic!
While many Americans have resentment regarding foreign cars, it is true that many supposedly foreign cars are made on American soil, in American factories where American workers are employed before they are shipped to a car lot in America where an American sales person sells it to - you guessed it - another American. His American dollars are then put into further circulation in America's economy, his tank being filled with gasoline made with oil from a foreign country with strained international relations and his fumes polluting the earth with lead and ground-level ozone. In short, few Americans realize the ripple effect of foreign trade, oil consumption and its effects or the worldwide economic significance of the automobile market. Some may make noble claims to only support American jobs and dollars, but they too play into the cycle they say they hate. Likewise, many so-called American muscle cars are made in Mexico.
The world's economy would no doubt be sent into a maddening tail spin if cars suddenly ceased to be in demand. Only recently, due to harsh financial times, have we become slightly more aware of the huge impact automobile production has on our society, from the highest CEO to the lowest ranked factory worker. Governments across the world (most notably America) have spent billions in citizen tax dollars simply to support companies that would collapse and cause chaos among the people, and naturally car companies were at the top of the list. Whether or not one agrees with such an action is irrelevant in the argument that car productivity is indeed an issue which should not be taken lightly.
Despite the horrors of the pollution, oil consumption and lost lives as a result of automobiles, they have become an irreversibly important and needful part of society and American culture. While we may depend on them for the useful and necessary task, they are emphasized far too much as a symbol of success. Cars are glorified social status symbols now amongst our peers more so than purposeful equipment. As we are now, we cannot undo our dependency on these modes of transportation, but they have, without a doubt, caused more problems than solutions.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hate this essay! I just wrote the damn thing and it's due tomorrow...this shit sucks because it's SO not in line with my objective. I won't even say what kind of essay this was supposed to be, but let's just say it is not really meeting the requirements as far as content...I really went off into left field with my rant :\
*shrugs*
I guess the professor will say "Hey you suck!"
Yay me!
"Don't put my flag on your foreign car," the bumper sticker threatened as it conveyed the political views of the truck driver in front of me. I wondered if the driver truly knew the advantages and disadvantages that foreign trade brings about in our shaky economical times as I sighed and thought of how typical it all was. Automobiles have become such an essential part of not only our economy, but our way of life in general - especially in America! Whether the driver is a simple, elderly person making trips down the block to the grocery store, a fearless, in-the-moment sweet 16 year old handling her new birthday present or a grungy college road tripper whose destination is unknown, we all have different views and appreciates of the vehicles that get us where we need to go. However, despite their advantages, automobiles have just as many downsides, and some may argue that they have more of a negative impact than what they are worth.
In today's society, if one does not own a vehicle of some sort, he or she may well be placed into a less fortunate category within the minds of the general public. The person may be seen as poor perhaps, or just less well off. The only exceptions to this judgment are perhaps the most populated cities (New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, etc) where public transportation is more common. Generally speaking, however, across this country there is a general expectation for most citizens to have their own vehicle and most households have more than one! As a part of independence, most of us acquire a car at some point in our lives in a victorious moment that we will never forget."My first car!" we shout jubilantly, knowing that while this is the first, there will be others that we will buy or acquire later on in life. Needless to say, it is quite out of the ordinary for us to get our daily tasks or jobs done by walking to our destinations on foot. Today, it is nearly unheard of.
We have not always had such elaborate forms of transportation, however. In the general timeline of humanity, only within the last two centuries have we made leaps and bounds in our goals to conquer life's objectives and make them easier simply by means of inventions which take the work out of work. For centuries, we relied on horses to be our primary method of getting from point A to point B. While it is good to be closer to your goals within a shorter amount of time, it could also be suggested that we as humans have also become lazier as a result of the convenient machines which perform tasks for us.
In addition to our desire to perform tasks quickly and efficiently, we also have become quite spoiled in our want for comfort; air conditioning, heated seats, a nice stereo to listen to and even a simple roof to shelter us from the elements are all factors which come into play in why it is more comfortable to ride in a car than to walk or ride a public bus. It is simply human nature to want these things, but it is also an outlook that is stressed as more of a "need" than a "want" in our prosperous nation. The average American household owns 2.2 cars, a staggering number in comparison to many countries. As a result of this, we are also the world's leading consumer of oil, naturally, with well over twenty million barrels per day used - that's 24.3 % of the world's oil usage. We are far ahead of China, which takes second place at 8.9%!
Automobile accidents are also the leading cause of death worldwide, and this is no surprise to most anyone considering how almost all of us know or have known someone who was in a car crash at some point. In 2008, there were an estimated 5,811,000 police-reported traffic crashes, in which 37,261 people were killed and 2,346,000 were injured. This number applies to America only, but imagine the number of deaths worldwide if given the same percentage of crashes to drivers. When we relied entirely upon carriages to take us places, having a fatal accident in one was nearly unheard of. Who would have thought that mobile inventions would also be so life threatening?
Cars and trucks may play a part in taking lives, but by the same token, they also serve us in saving them as well. Without speedy means of transportation, we would no doubt lose many, many lives in our futile efforts to tend to medical emergencies - many involving cars! Before our mobile machines were the primary form of transportation, one had to fetch a doctor either by foot or by horse which wasted precious time, especially considering lives were at risk. Now with the use of ambulances and helicopters, we are able to quickly arrive at such scenes and able to quickly deliver the patient to the hospital. It is a shame that some lives are lost, however, when ambulances do not arrive on time due to - of all things - traffic!
While many Americans have resentment regarding foreign cars, it is true that many supposedly foreign cars are made on American soil, in American factories where American workers are employed before they are shipped to a car lot in America where an American sales person sells it to - you guessed it - another American. His American dollars are then put into further circulation in America's economy, his tank being filled with gasoline made with oil from a foreign country with strained international relations and his fumes polluting the earth with lead and ground-level ozone. In short, few Americans realize the ripple effect of foreign trade, oil consumption and its effects or the worldwide economic significance of the automobile market. Some may make noble claims to only support American jobs and dollars, but they too play into the cycle they say they hate. Likewise, many so-called American muscle cars are made in Mexico.
The world's economy would no doubt be sent into a maddening tail spin if cars suddenly ceased to be in demand. Only recently, due to harsh financial times, have we become slightly more aware of the huge impact automobile production has on our society, from the highest CEO to the lowest ranked factory worker. Governments across the world (most notably America) have spent billions in citizen tax dollars simply to support companies that would collapse and cause chaos among the people, and naturally car companies were at the top of the list. Whether or not one agrees with such an action is irrelevant in the argument that car productivity is indeed an issue which should not be taken lightly.
Despite the horrors of the pollution, oil consumption and lost lives as a result of automobiles, they have become an irreversibly important and needful part of society and American culture. While we may depend on them for the useful and necessary task, they are emphasized far too much as a symbol of success. Cars are glorified social status symbols now amongst our peers more so than purposeful equipment. As we are now, we cannot undo our dependency on these modes of transportation, but they have, without a doubt, caused more problems than solutions.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hate this essay! I just wrote the damn thing and it's due tomorrow...this shit sucks because it's SO not in line with my objective. I won't even say what kind of essay this was supposed to be, but let's just say it is not really meeting the requirements as far as content...I really went off into left field with my rant :\
*shrugs*
I guess the professor will say "Hey you suck!"
Yay me!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Can't focus
Forgive how very informal and weird this entry will be.
I can't seem to focus on anything right now. I am having trouble with distraction. I'm trying to focus on a writing assignment and I can't stop thinking about something bothering me. I use this blog to vent frustration, get shit off my chest, put random thoughts about life and society in order, or just whatever...and there's not a point in putting shit in here if I'm not fully honest.
I still have to censor some of the things I say, and tone them down until they mean almost nothing when I strip my words of their essential depth. This is random because this entry has almost no purpose. It won't have a really stressed point that I am trying to convey where I offer up supporting facts. It doesn't really have much of an intro and it's body is quite empty, and it will lastly have an inconclusive ending of nothing...
I suppose I am in that spot commonly called depression, but my head is telling me it's hormonal and will pass.
Alanis' "Mary Jane" isn't helping, but fuck it, it's a comfort song to me.
I am going to have to re-examine what makes me happy. Am I being overly analytical again, thinking on shit that I shouldn't, complicating what should be simple and making a mountain out of a mole hill? Probably. I have to though. I'm not light hearted...sometimes I wish I could be. My heart is heavy so I have to reassure myself that there is a reason I'm feeling what I am feeling: I've lost my focus of happiness.
Ever thought of what makes you happy?
I have...lots of times.
For the most part, it's useless to reflect upon this topic for very long I think because we often make it worse by doing so. However, I am trying to refocus myself in this area because I used to take simple pleasure in so many things. Everything around me seemed beautiful in some way or another. I didn't need anyone for my happiness, that's a horrible trap to fall into. Don't let some person be your happiness. They won't always be there. I've learned that all too well, too fucking well in fact. Don't let earthly belongings become your happiness, they are temporary and shallow material possessions that aren't worth shit in the end.
I can go on and on about what you should not let become the focus of your happiness, but then I will be left with the question, "If not those, then what?"
I'll tell you what used to work for me, and what I've recently lost sight of: yourself. It's all you've got after all, right? You can't always change your surroundings and circumstances or the people around you, but you can change your outlook on these things. I once truly was more loving. I used to have so much more compassion. I still have compassion, I do. I really do. I have such sympathy that it hurts. However...I am not what I used to be in these areas. I used to just love everyone, I was a loving person all around since I believed I was supposed to be. The Bible says to love enemies, for if we only love our friends, what good is that? Even an evil man can do that, Jesus said.
The last time I saw my mother, I was standing on the back porch of the home we all once lived in after it had been cleaned out. The furniture had been packed into a truck to be hauled to Washington with my sister and her family. The house felt so damned empty without the usual belongings in it. I walked the house for one last time, feeling a bit dazed by all the memories that flooded to mind before going to the back porch to look out over the back lawn and big blue sky.
My mother asked me one final time if I would reconsider buying the home since everyone was moving out of it. I told her once more that it would be impractical for me to do so, it's so far from my work and in need of repairs that I cannot afford. Besides, the mortgage payments are quite a bit and Raymond and I don't want that extra cost. I sighed...I was saying goodbye to a place that I loved, despite how many bad things happened there.
My mother apologized to me for being a shitty mother. That was unexpected. I guess she wanted to get some shit off her chest as well. She told me she was proud of what I'd become, despite how bad she was at raising children. She began to cry.
Years ago, I would have wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly, reassuring her it was ok and that I forgave her for all the horrible things she'd done and the things she'd neglected.
I didn't hug her though...I didn't do anything but keep staring forward as I leaned against one of the porch pillars and felt the summer wind blowing hotly against my face. I was too immune to her tears at this point and they only served to anger me more these days. I really get angry when she cries about her mistakes now. All it does is make me angry. If anyone has a right to fucking CRY, it's me. I don't though. I just suck it up and say, "Thats fuckin life for ya," you know...
I just kind of scoffed and shifted the subject away from her being a bad parent.
"Why are you proud of me? I've not accomplished anything, so what's there to be proud of?"
I was still staring forward, I didn't want to look at her.
"I see the person you were and what you've become now. You're so much stronger than I am, you've over come it all. You're like a lioness. You're also the most loving person I know baby, and that's something to be proud of in a daughter. You're just like the song we named you after: "You came and you gave without taking..." and that's exactly what you do. You give and don't take..."
Most parents aren't this open with their children about their feelings. My mom is an exception. I have that dumb over emotional gene in me I guess, I don't know. I, like her, cannot hold in emotion. I have to express it and tell it.
I wasn't moved by my mother's speech about what a great person I am and how she loves me so much. I've heard it all before from her in fact. I still am resentful toward her... I always will be.
I am not the loving person she thinks I am. I am loving, don't get me wrong, but she remembers the much more kind, loving and gentle person I once was.
I think I'm not that person anymore, I don't know.
I just don't know.
I have a short temper now. I have a potty mouth (but I don't give a rat's ass about this part, it just shows I've changed, that's all). I have very little patience for people, unless I count them as friends - it seems I have infinite patience for those I care for. What good is that after all? I think Jesus was right...
I really do need to refocus my drive. I can't let people get me down, but at the same time, I can't let them lift me up either. People won't BE THERE all the fucking time, you know? I still fall into the same traps.
I think that's also the person Ray fell in love with. I was so different. I have changed just so much...so fucking much. Ray still loves me -even more than before, actually!
He thinks my short temper is adorable, and he calls me his "Snapping turtle" :\
He thinks how grumpy I am in the morning is an endearing feature and he just wakes up laughing about it.
He doesn't roll his eyes as most guys do when their girlfriend start bitching about some random thing (I go off on rants when I am passionate about something) but instead he smiles and laughs. He might even ask questions or add to the rant. We usually agree on every topic, but I think 75% of that is because I am persuasive in my arguments and he thinks I'm always right.
He says he can't stand all the ditsy girls around me and loves my sense of reasoning and how balanced I am.
Ray still loves me, he loves me even more than the shy, sweet and gentle girl I once was.
Why?
I am happier with how I am these days, but I do miss some aspects of that girl who once thought everything and everyone was beautiful, the girl who loved even her enemies with a fierce force that couldn't be turned away, the girl who always turned the other cheek (and yes, that shit hurts too, fuck it)....the girl who cried easily.
I don't cry easily these days. I'm not really moved very often. There are few things in life that move me. I seem to cling to the few things that do move me. I should seek out more sources, I'm kind of running on empty right now and you can see the result of such emptiness: the result is this stupid blog entry.
I can't seem to focus on anything right now. I am having trouble with distraction. I'm trying to focus on a writing assignment and I can't stop thinking about something bothering me. I use this blog to vent frustration, get shit off my chest, put random thoughts about life and society in order, or just whatever...and there's not a point in putting shit in here if I'm not fully honest.
I still have to censor some of the things I say, and tone them down until they mean almost nothing when I strip my words of their essential depth. This is random because this entry has almost no purpose. It won't have a really stressed point that I am trying to convey where I offer up supporting facts. It doesn't really have much of an intro and it's body is quite empty, and it will lastly have an inconclusive ending of nothing...
I suppose I am in that spot commonly called depression, but my head is telling me it's hormonal and will pass.
Alanis' "Mary Jane" isn't helping, but fuck it, it's a comfort song to me.
I am going to have to re-examine what makes me happy. Am I being overly analytical again, thinking on shit that I shouldn't, complicating what should be simple and making a mountain out of a mole hill? Probably. I have to though. I'm not light hearted...sometimes I wish I could be. My heart is heavy so I have to reassure myself that there is a reason I'm feeling what I am feeling: I've lost my focus of happiness.
Ever thought of what makes you happy?
I have...lots of times.
For the most part, it's useless to reflect upon this topic for very long I think because we often make it worse by doing so. However, I am trying to refocus myself in this area because I used to take simple pleasure in so many things. Everything around me seemed beautiful in some way or another. I didn't need anyone for my happiness, that's a horrible trap to fall into. Don't let some person be your happiness. They won't always be there. I've learned that all too well, too fucking well in fact. Don't let earthly belongings become your happiness, they are temporary and shallow material possessions that aren't worth shit in the end.
I can go on and on about what you should not let become the focus of your happiness, but then I will be left with the question, "If not those, then what?"
I'll tell you what used to work for me, and what I've recently lost sight of: yourself. It's all you've got after all, right? You can't always change your surroundings and circumstances or the people around you, but you can change your outlook on these things. I once truly was more loving. I used to have so much more compassion. I still have compassion, I do. I really do. I have such sympathy that it hurts. However...I am not what I used to be in these areas. I used to just love everyone, I was a loving person all around since I believed I was supposed to be. The Bible says to love enemies, for if we only love our friends, what good is that? Even an evil man can do that, Jesus said.
The last time I saw my mother, I was standing on the back porch of the home we all once lived in after it had been cleaned out. The furniture had been packed into a truck to be hauled to Washington with my sister and her family. The house felt so damned empty without the usual belongings in it. I walked the house for one last time, feeling a bit dazed by all the memories that flooded to mind before going to the back porch to look out over the back lawn and big blue sky.
My mother asked me one final time if I would reconsider buying the home since everyone was moving out of it. I told her once more that it would be impractical for me to do so, it's so far from my work and in need of repairs that I cannot afford. Besides, the mortgage payments are quite a bit and Raymond and I don't want that extra cost. I sighed...I was saying goodbye to a place that I loved, despite how many bad things happened there.
My mother apologized to me for being a shitty mother. That was unexpected. I guess she wanted to get some shit off her chest as well. She told me she was proud of what I'd become, despite how bad she was at raising children. She began to cry.
Years ago, I would have wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly, reassuring her it was ok and that I forgave her for all the horrible things she'd done and the things she'd neglected.
I didn't hug her though...I didn't do anything but keep staring forward as I leaned against one of the porch pillars and felt the summer wind blowing hotly against my face. I was too immune to her tears at this point and they only served to anger me more these days. I really get angry when she cries about her mistakes now. All it does is make me angry. If anyone has a right to fucking CRY, it's me. I don't though. I just suck it up and say, "Thats fuckin life for ya," you know...
I just kind of scoffed and shifted the subject away from her being a bad parent.
"Why are you proud of me? I've not accomplished anything, so what's there to be proud of?"
I was still staring forward, I didn't want to look at her.
"I see the person you were and what you've become now. You're so much stronger than I am, you've over come it all. You're like a lioness. You're also the most loving person I know baby, and that's something to be proud of in a daughter. You're just like the song we named you after: "You came and you gave without taking..." and that's exactly what you do. You give and don't take..."
Most parents aren't this open with their children about their feelings. My mom is an exception. I have that dumb over emotional gene in me I guess, I don't know. I, like her, cannot hold in emotion. I have to express it and tell it.
I wasn't moved by my mother's speech about what a great person I am and how she loves me so much. I've heard it all before from her in fact. I still am resentful toward her... I always will be.
I am not the loving person she thinks I am. I am loving, don't get me wrong, but she remembers the much more kind, loving and gentle person I once was.
I think I'm not that person anymore, I don't know.
I just don't know.
I have a short temper now. I have a potty mouth (but I don't give a rat's ass about this part, it just shows I've changed, that's all). I have very little patience for people, unless I count them as friends - it seems I have infinite patience for those I care for. What good is that after all? I think Jesus was right...
I really do need to refocus my drive. I can't let people get me down, but at the same time, I can't let them lift me up either. People won't BE THERE all the fucking time, you know? I still fall into the same traps.
I think that's also the person Ray fell in love with. I was so different. I have changed just so much...so fucking much. Ray still loves me -even more than before, actually!
He thinks my short temper is adorable, and he calls me his "Snapping turtle" :\
He thinks how grumpy I am in the morning is an endearing feature and he just wakes up laughing about it.
He doesn't roll his eyes as most guys do when their girlfriend start bitching about some random thing (I go off on rants when I am passionate about something) but instead he smiles and laughs. He might even ask questions or add to the rant. We usually agree on every topic, but I think 75% of that is because I am persuasive in my arguments and he thinks I'm always right.
He says he can't stand all the ditsy girls around me and loves my sense of reasoning and how balanced I am.
Ray still loves me, he loves me even more than the shy, sweet and gentle girl I once was.
Why?
I am happier with how I am these days, but I do miss some aspects of that girl who once thought everything and everyone was beautiful, the girl who loved even her enemies with a fierce force that couldn't be turned away, the girl who always turned the other cheek (and yes, that shit hurts too, fuck it)....the girl who cried easily.
I don't cry easily these days. I'm not really moved very often. There are few things in life that move me. I seem to cling to the few things that do move me. I should seek out more sources, I'm kind of running on empty right now and you can see the result of such emptiness: the result is this stupid blog entry.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Something pretty cool
I just found this in a book on my shelf.
I'd forgotten about it.
Never give up the joys of reading.
Love,
Dad
I don't think I found out about that joy that until now.
He gave this little bookmark to me when I was 12 years old, along with the book "The Call Of The Wild" from Jack London, which is why he chose one with wolves. I did love the book - I read it more than once.
Damn I miss him sometimes.
I never could talk to him when I was younger, I was so awkward and shy to everyone except my mother. My dad scared me and I was fearful of him, he was abusive and an alcoholic crazy nut after all. He was so smart though, just so smart.
Now that I'm an adult, now that I've overcome my shyness and inability to speak, I wish he was around to talk to. I would ask him all kinds of crazy questions now that I am a really curious person. It's too bad he isn't here really.
Ah, I miss him.
....
I'd forgotten about it.
To Amanda:
Knowledge is power.
Love,
Dad
I don't think I found out about that joy that until now.
He gave this little bookmark to me when I was 12 years old, along with the book "The Call Of The Wild" from Jack London, which is why he chose one with wolves. I did love the book - I read it more than once.
Damn I miss him sometimes.
I never could talk to him when I was younger, I was so awkward and shy to everyone except my mother. My dad scared me and I was fearful of him, he was abusive and an alcoholic crazy nut after all. He was so smart though, just so smart.
Now that I'm an adult, now that I've overcome my shyness and inability to speak, I wish he was around to talk to. I would ask him all kinds of crazy questions now that I am a really curious person. It's too bad he isn't here really.
Ah, I miss him.
....
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Emotions
I know for a fact that I've expressed how useless many emotions are before in other blogs. Of course, they're not entirely without purpose, but it just sucks how people take feelings and run with them.
I am bothered tonight, and I was all day as well. I won't say what it is that's truly on my mind; it would only make things worse I guess. Let's just say I am upset over a simple concept that we all learn very early on in life: sometimes life just isn't fair.
People don't always get what they deserve, even if they are a really good person.
People don't always get what they deserve, even if they are an asshole.
We all know this to be true. I mean hell, it's such an elementary idea that it's barely worth giving any thought to, really. Logically speaking, I should just apply that reasoning and try not to let it bother me. Ah but...that is not so easy because I am an emotional being, damn it. I care about the person so that makes it difficult to accept such an injustice.
I shouldn't have let it bother me all day, and yet it did. I shouldn't have thought so much on the subject, but here I am now doing it. It got me down so badly that I crashed when I got home. I didn't really care, I just took a nap. I said "fuck it" and I'm still upset about it.
Fuck, it's just so .... and yes, I'm being weird and mysterious, I know. I have my reasons, lemme alone. *sticks tongue out*
Even Amanda can write a whiney blog, and so here I am abusing that right >_>
Oh God, I can't get it off my chest fully. I think I want to face-keyboard now
khytbm .v,i8yvikbzdcjx.bzae .py"HIKN,
Useless emotions. Emotions and immaturity are to blame for the very thing that I'm upset over in the first place! Why was that person so God damned immature? WHY did they have to say shit like that, and WHY did the person I care about not seem to care about being spoken to in that manner?
It's not right, is it? It's not. It's not even my right to be upset over the matter, I wasn't even the one who was even being spoken to so harshly. Yet here I sit upset, though I admit I haven't the right to be. It is, as I said, not so easy when you care about the person. I care about my friends. I'm going to sound SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO whiney right now, prepare yourselves. It's coming.
When I love someone (even as a friend! Yes I said love, for God's sake there are many levels of it, get over it) I really really love them, you know? If I don't like someone, I really, really don't like them. I feel everything pretty deeply and I've really learned to cope in order to survive but still...still, I am that same person. For me, it is only natural to want what's best for someone I care for. It is only natural... but God it's hard to just sit and stay silent sometimes because of the fact that I feel things so deeply.
Me and Ray are fine, it doesn't involve him. We're fine.
As I said, people don't always get what they deserve but that's a two way street. Maybe it's a good thing, because inside, I think most of us are assholes at the end of the day. God I sound so pessimistic right now. I truly don't think I am an asshole though, I just can be at times. I really, really do care.
Whatever, I can care my little heart out and it wouldn't matter anyhow. Useless, it's all useless. All my concern is nothing, nothing at all. Why? Because caring about something/someone is useless if you don't say/show how you feel. Saying how I feel will probably make things worse though, so here I sit feeling those useless emotions. At least I won't fucking lash out at someone over them though....immature people should grow the fuck up.
whatever
.
I am bothered tonight, and I was all day as well. I won't say what it is that's truly on my mind; it would only make things worse I guess. Let's just say I am upset over a simple concept that we all learn very early on in life: sometimes life just isn't fair.
People don't always get what they deserve, even if they are a really good person.
People don't always get what they deserve, even if they are an asshole.
We all know this to be true. I mean hell, it's such an elementary idea that it's barely worth giving any thought to, really. Logically speaking, I should just apply that reasoning and try not to let it bother me. Ah but...that is not so easy because I am an emotional being, damn it. I care about the person so that makes it difficult to accept such an injustice.
I shouldn't have let it bother me all day, and yet it did. I shouldn't have thought so much on the subject, but here I am now doing it. It got me down so badly that I crashed when I got home. I didn't really care, I just took a nap. I said "fuck it" and I'm still upset about it.
Fuck, it's just so .... and yes, I'm being weird and mysterious, I know. I have my reasons, lemme alone. *sticks tongue out*
Even Amanda can write a whiney blog, and so here I am abusing that right >_>
Oh God, I can't get it off my chest fully. I think I want to face-keyboard now
khytbm .v,i8yvikbzdcjx.bzae .py"HIKN,
Useless emotions. Emotions and immaturity are to blame for the very thing that I'm upset over in the first place! Why was that person so God damned immature? WHY did they have to say shit like that, and WHY did the person I care about not seem to care about being spoken to in that manner?
It's not right, is it? It's not. It's not even my right to be upset over the matter, I wasn't even the one who was even being spoken to so harshly. Yet here I sit upset, though I admit I haven't the right to be. It is, as I said, not so easy when you care about the person. I care about my friends. I'm going to sound SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO whiney right now, prepare yourselves. It's coming.
When I love someone (even as a friend! Yes I said love, for God's sake there are many levels of it, get over it) I really really love them, you know? If I don't like someone, I really, really don't like them. I feel everything pretty deeply and I've really learned to cope in order to survive but still...still, I am that same person. For me, it is only natural to want what's best for someone I care for. It is only natural... but God it's hard to just sit and stay silent sometimes because of the fact that I feel things so deeply.
Me and Ray are fine, it doesn't involve him. We're fine.
As I said, people don't always get what they deserve but that's a two way street. Maybe it's a good thing, because inside, I think most of us are assholes at the end of the day. God I sound so pessimistic right now. I truly don't think I am an asshole though, I just can be at times. I really, really do care.
Whatever, I can care my little heart out and it wouldn't matter anyhow. Useless, it's all useless. All my concern is nothing, nothing at all. Why? Because caring about something/someone is useless if you don't say/show how you feel. Saying how I feel will probably make things worse though, so here I sit feeling those useless emotions. At least I won't fucking lash out at someone over them though....immature people should grow the fuck up.
whatever
.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
HHhhmmm...
A butch girl with a dyke hair cut walks in the door to my right.
"What a fruit..." says the righteous Pentecostal by my side.
I smile and say nothing.
She looks back at me. Our eyes meet as an unspoken acknowledgment is passed between us.
We nod and lightly tip our caps to each other. We know.
He has every right to call her out. After all, he is going to Heaven. She is going to Hell.
To Hell, where moth and haircut doth corrupt and destroy!
It's okay though, I have long hair, so I am going to Heaven.
"Yes," I tell him, "she is a fruit."
Are any of us more righteous than the other? After all, we all three just judged one another in a few moments' time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I check out, I notice a jar sitting by the register on the counter that has a hole punched in the top with a sign taped to it featuring a picture of a child in need. This charity begging me for my spare coins supports a foreign cause, funding food for the hungry mouths of African children and vaccines for their nasty diseases.
I look away; it's more convenient that way.
I'm not really in the mood right now to be generous or even emotional anyhow.
After all, your worth as a human being is determined by my mood, foreign child. I am comfortable on my American soil which is trampled underfoot by my new Nikes that were sown by the hands of a child slave in God knows what unfortunate country.
Too bad you caught me after I just watched an action flick at the theater where all the characters mercilessly shot down all who opposed their little mission. If only you'd appealed to me after I'd seen Hotel Rwanda. You caught me at a bad time, kid.
Besides, I should save what spare change I acquire anyhow.
I want that new Ipod....
"What a fruit..." says the righteous Pentecostal by my side.
I smile and say nothing.
She looks back at me. Our eyes meet as an unspoken acknowledgment is passed between us.
We nod and lightly tip our caps to each other. We know.
He has every right to call her out. After all, he is going to Heaven. She is going to Hell.
To Hell, where moth and haircut doth corrupt and destroy!
It's okay though, I have long hair, so I am going to Heaven.
"Yes," I tell him, "she is a fruit."
Are any of us more righteous than the other? After all, we all three just judged one another in a few moments' time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I check out, I notice a jar sitting by the register on the counter that has a hole punched in the top with a sign taped to it featuring a picture of a child in need. This charity begging me for my spare coins supports a foreign cause, funding food for the hungry mouths of African children and vaccines for their nasty diseases.
I look away; it's more convenient that way.
I'm not really in the mood right now to be generous or even emotional anyhow.
After all, your worth as a human being is determined by my mood, foreign child. I am comfortable on my American soil which is trampled underfoot by my new Nikes that were sown by the hands of a child slave in God knows what unfortunate country.
Too bad you caught me after I just watched an action flick at the theater where all the characters mercilessly shot down all who opposed their little mission. If only you'd appealed to me after I'd seen Hotel Rwanda. You caught me at a bad time, kid.
Besides, I should save what spare change I acquire anyhow.
I want that new Ipod....
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Okay, so here's my second essay
If you've read my previous blogs, you'll notice that this essay doesn't contain ANYTHING I've not already spoken of. It really is regurgitated shit. I didn't put much effort into it, really I didn't. I was so tired of the topic that I simply was like, "Meh, I'll just post random points in the essay and call it a day."
I hopped, skipped and jumped around to different points I feel strongly about regarding relationships. I'll just post an explanation I used from my myspace blog:
Below is an essay I wrote for English class. I told some one I would post it in all its non-glory for all to see, that they may see it and weep...errr, I mean agree with my not-so-humble opinions on life. Do keep in mind that I am firm in my opinions but I rarely share them, so to those of you who think you personally know me....if this comes off as pushy and you are surprised at how firmly I express my opinions, I assure you I do mean everything I said here. I would not really discuss this topic with anyone in person, usually. The topic of this essay was "describe the perfect/ideal partner or relationship in a definitive essay"
I hopped, skipped and jumped around to different points I feel strongly about regarding relationships. I'll just post an explanation I used from my myspace blog:
Below is an essay I wrote for English class. I told some one I would post it in all its non-glory for all to see, that they may see it and weep...errr, I mean agree with my not-so-humble opinions on life. Do keep in mind that I am firm in my opinions but I rarely share them, so to those of you who think you personally know me....if this comes off as pushy and you are surprised at how firmly I express my opinions, I assure you I do mean everything I said here. I would not really discuss this topic with anyone in person, usually. The topic of this essay was "describe the perfect/ideal partner or relationship in a definitive essay"
Well, while I do feel like I can say a million things on this subject, I will confess that I consider my essay only "ok" or "lukewarm". I did not truly put my heart into it, for it would no doubt be a million pages. My end result simply came to be more of a description of what a relationship/partner should NOT be, rather than what they SHOULD be. I do not think my professor will really acknowledge or even realize this flaw, as she has far too many horrible, horrible papers submitted to her by mindless morons in my English class. Forgive any grammatical errors, I didn't really proof read the darn thing. Read if you are bored enough, I dare you!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the subject of ideal relationships were to be brought before a panel of judges in order to find common ground or agreement on the subject, I fear every member of the party - be it big or small - would disagree on the matter, for each has his or her own definition as to what foundation a meaningful, mutual understanding between partners should actually consist of. Life's experiences and expectations shape our individual minds' opinions regarding this topic, and as we mature, even those concrete ideals will be challenged and molded into new ones. Truly, therefore, it is my belief that the "ideal partner", albeit nonexistent, simply lies within one's own perspective. This is to say, rather, that it is a matter of opinion that will vary greatly from person to person.
I have always thought that in order for one to be ready and mature enough to even begin a relationship, one has to be happy and fulfilled with his or her own life before the person can be so with a partner in a healthy romantic relationship. My rather simple reasoning is simply this: if a partner wallows in the throes of unhappiness due to whatever miserable problem he or she is having, that person will find comfort in the arms of another and then the object of their affection will unknowingly become the sole emotional support for the injured one; both parties will often be unaware of this occurrence. The temporary satisfaction we often find in romance seems to soothe our unhappiness for a little while, as it takes our minds off of whatever problem we may have been previously facing. However, if a void was there to begin with in an injured party, the partner is only a filler therefore, and is only being used as a comfort, a human bandage. Such shallow foundations quickly crumble, and often times, lead to disaster.
On the other hand, if one is happy being single and is not looking for someone to fill that gap in his or her life, then that person is stable enough to be in a romantic relationship. If there is no void to fill in the first place, the person will have far less selfish tendencies to unknowingly use another as an emotional crutch. It is my firm belief that many (if not most, sadly) relationships are built on emotional dysfunction, insecurities and selfishness.
I may be very alone in my views on relationships, but I do believe I have applied far more logic and reasoning to the matter than most. For many, those romantic ties and bonds are based upon emotion, what "feels good" to them, without further thought as to what is actually healthy or even morally right. It is indeed a shame that many live without morals at all concerning relationships! Perhaps a little more reflection on what one is looking for and practices of selflessness are needed to develop ones character in preparation to even be ready for a mature romantic connection.
A partner who would be hypothetically ideal to me would definitely be someone who did not base the foundation of our relationship on emotional highs which are temporary, here-today-gone-tomorrow feelings. A sense of personal happiness for their own self would have to be already present within them, for I have no plans to become one's sole source of strength or joy. I would expect them to be open with how they felt, and open to conversation, but at the same time not constantly in need of reassurance that they are indeed loved and wanted. I find it irritating that so many are in need of such constant reminders that they are still loved, still wanted, still adored! This is all rooted in insecurity which, as I mentioned, will rot a relationship. An overly clingy partner is certainly a nuisance and a burden to say the least, and I have no intention of being brought down by someone too immature to go a day without hearing "I love you, you're special, I'm crazy about you, you're still wanted" etc.
Perhaps my opinions on the matter are harsh, but that is precisely what I believe they should be. One should have firm opinions on what qualities a partner/relationship should possess.
On the subject of sex, it too falls in line with other topics of relationships in that it is mixed and varied depending on who you talk to, but I personally believe that it is only a part of a relationship. A part, a fragment, a piece, a fraction of the big picture. Sex is emphasized far too much in today's media driven society where fads and superficial, skin deep physical attributes dictate morals - or should I say lack thereof? A partner of mine would have to understand that I view sex as a byproduct expression of deeper, underlying feelings which are rooted in a foundation far greater than physical pleasure alone. In other words, feelings and trust come first, sex comes later! It is so very tragic that I have known people to confuse that order which I just named, sometimes never even reaching the aforementioned mutual bond before sexual consummation.
I do not mean to say that a relationship should be robbed of emotion entirely. After all, we as humans are indeed emotional beings at the end of the day. However, I am stating that we should not let emotions alone be our sole guidelines in relationships.
I am currently in a relationship and I have been for over two and a half years. My partner and I feel no need to always reassure one another and sooth each others' insecurities. We also enjoy talking, but we do not feel offended when one of us simply wishes to stay silent. I believe it to be a beautiful thing when one can be content in both conversation and silence with their partner. Unspoken understandings are passed between us as naturally as our own internal thought processes, there is often no need for words. We both work and attend college, thus resulting in very little time to spend together. However, we do not have a true need to be with each other constantly, for we are quite happy as individuals and as a couple. This sense of inner peace is what gives us a solid starting ground that we will always share.
These things I have shared would be (and have been!) ridiculed as unfeeling and without humanistic qualities. I am aware of how my opinions can come off as shallow and almost robotic in the belief that emotions often cloud views on relationships. I daresay we should throw many emotions away and replace them with logical reasoning! This might even be seen as an arrogant remark, but I feel it to be true nonetheless. Amazing really, how these views of mine conflict with the majority of those amongst my peers. It further supports my opinion that an ideal partner is in the eye of the beholder, held in the palms of the hands that shape our destinies - our hands.
I have always thought that in order for one to be ready and mature enough to even begin a relationship, one has to be happy and fulfilled with his or her own life before the person can be so with a partner in a healthy romantic relationship. My rather simple reasoning is simply this: if a partner wallows in the throes of unhappiness due to whatever miserable problem he or she is having, that person will find comfort in the arms of another and then the object of their affection will unknowingly become the sole emotional support for the injured one; both parties will often be unaware of this occurrence. The temporary satisfaction we often find in romance seems to soothe our unhappiness for a little while, as it takes our minds off of whatever problem we may have been previously facing. However, if a void was there to begin with in an injured party, the partner is only a filler therefore, and is only being used as a comfort, a human bandage. Such shallow foundations quickly crumble, and often times, lead to disaster.
On the other hand, if one is happy being single and is not looking for someone to fill that gap in his or her life, then that person is stable enough to be in a romantic relationship. If there is no void to fill in the first place, the person will have far less selfish tendencies to unknowingly use another as an emotional crutch. It is my firm belief that many (if not most, sadly) relationships are built on emotional dysfunction, insecurities and selfishness.
I may be very alone in my views on relationships, but I do believe I have applied far more logic and reasoning to the matter than most. For many, those romantic ties and bonds are based upon emotion, what "feels good" to them, without further thought as to what is actually healthy or even morally right. It is indeed a shame that many live without morals at all concerning relationships! Perhaps a little more reflection on what one is looking for and practices of selflessness are needed to develop ones character in preparation to even be ready for a mature romantic connection.
A partner who would be hypothetically ideal to me would definitely be someone who did not base the foundation of our relationship on emotional highs which are temporary, here-today-gone-tomorrow feelings. A sense of personal happiness for their own self would have to be already present within them, for I have no plans to become one's sole source of strength or joy. I would expect them to be open with how they felt, and open to conversation, but at the same time not constantly in need of reassurance that they are indeed loved and wanted. I find it irritating that so many are in need of such constant reminders that they are still loved, still wanted, still adored! This is all rooted in insecurity which, as I mentioned, will rot a relationship. An overly clingy partner is certainly a nuisance and a burden to say the least, and I have no intention of being brought down by someone too immature to go a day without hearing "I love you, you're special, I'm crazy about you, you're still wanted" etc.
Perhaps my opinions on the matter are harsh, but that is precisely what I believe they should be. One should have firm opinions on what qualities a partner/relationship should possess.
On the subject of sex, it too falls in line with other topics of relationships in that it is mixed and varied depending on who you talk to, but I personally believe that it is only a part of a relationship. A part, a fragment, a piece, a fraction of the big picture. Sex is emphasized far too much in today's media driven society where fads and superficial, skin deep physical attributes dictate morals - or should I say lack thereof? A partner of mine would have to understand that I view sex as a byproduct expression of deeper, underlying feelings which are rooted in a foundation far greater than physical pleasure alone. In other words, feelings and trust come first, sex comes later! It is so very tragic that I have known people to confuse that order which I just named, sometimes never even reaching the aforementioned mutual bond before sexual consummation.
I do not mean to say that a relationship should be robbed of emotion entirely. After all, we as humans are indeed emotional beings at the end of the day. However, I am stating that we should not let emotions alone be our sole guidelines in relationships.
I am currently in a relationship and I have been for over two and a half years. My partner and I feel no need to always reassure one another and sooth each others' insecurities. We also enjoy talking, but we do not feel offended when one of us simply wishes to stay silent. I believe it to be a beautiful thing when one can be content in both conversation and silence with their partner. Unspoken understandings are passed between us as naturally as our own internal thought processes, there is often no need for words. We both work and attend college, thus resulting in very little time to spend together. However, we do not have a true need to be with each other constantly, for we are quite happy as individuals and as a couple. This sense of inner peace is what gives us a solid starting ground that we will always share.
These things I have shared would be (and have been!) ridiculed as unfeeling and without humanistic qualities. I am aware of how my opinions can come off as shallow and almost robotic in the belief that emotions often cloud views on relationships. I daresay we should throw many emotions away and replace them with logical reasoning! This might even be seen as an arrogant remark, but I feel it to be true nonetheless. Amazing really, how these views of mine conflict with the majority of those amongst my peers. It further supports my opinion that an ideal partner is in the eye of the beholder, held in the palms of the hands that shape our destinies - our hands.
Interesting
Below is a conversation I had with my sister minutes ago. I know she meant well in saying her views on the subject of sex, but it brought up a subject that I felt so frustrated about! I still can't talk to my sis about sex, it's just so fucking weird. She thinks we should be able to talk about these kinds of things, but you know, I just can't bring myself to be that open. Anyhow, read what she said which really hit a sore spot with me - "ppl only have relationships because our first instinct is to mate :P
lol"....
Amanda:
Yo chica
U should read my latest blog
Hello? :( *cries*
Woe is me....my sister has abandoned me
……………………………………………………………………
9:43 PM
Amanda:
BLARGH arkjbafhjbads/;fikhnnkrvf/UBlCFW
……………………………………………………………………
9:45 PM
Amanda:
THis is a threat, I shall call you soon, MARK MY WORDS FOOLISH MORTAL!
……………………………………………………………………
9:51 PM
April:
lol
was away...wat's up?
……………………………………………………………………
9:51 PM
Amanda:
gah that noise scared me
read ze blog on myspace
……………………………………………………………………
9:52 PM
April:
heehee
……………………………………………………………………
9:52 PM
Amanda:
my latest one
……………………………………………………………………
9:52 PM
April:
kk
……………………………………………………………………
9:52 PM
Amanda:
sorry it is a bit long
……………………………………………………………………
10:00 PM
April:
good so far :P
……………………………………………………………………
10:00 PM
Amanda:
ty ty
……………………………………………………………………
10:00 PM
April:
lol although I disagree on the sex thing totally lol
……………………………………………………………………
10:00 PM
Amanda:
let me know what you think of the final product
Yeah yeah, I know
But I do mention that my views are not mainstream
……………………………………………………………………
10:01 PM
April:
ppl only have relationships because our first instinct is to mate :P
lol
……………………………………………………………………
10:01 PM
Amanda:
Oh I disagree
……………………………………………………………………
10:02 PM
April:
heehee believe me if the sex isn't good eventually it can cause the breakup :-D
……………………………………………………………………
10:02 PM
Amanda:
I think it is over rated
but that is just me
I know my opinion isn't popular
……………………………………………………………………
10:02 PM
April:
err have you ever had anyone give the big-O?
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
Amanda:
I feel so strange talking about SEX like this but yes I've had an....orgasm & <_< ugh this is weird
Yes yes yes, and yes
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
April:
lol sorry
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
Amanda:
lol it's ok
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
April:
I'll shut up :P
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
Amanda:
I'm still....weird about it
Nah I mean I dont want to be seen as insecure, it just....disturbs me to speak casually about it em...when it pertains to me, that is.
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
April:
yeah I understand...just that all of my sex partners sucked!!
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
Amanda:
I can talk of the SUBJECT, but when applied to myself, it becomes a different issue
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
April:
except mike
meyh
meh*
……………………………………………………………………
10:05 PM
Amanda:
hmmmm well after going almost all my life without it, I realize how unnecessary it is and that we are really fooled into thinking we "need" it by society itself...even freaking doctors insist that it is classified as a "need", and I don't mean in relationships alone. I mean they say it is a "need" universally for our entire well being!
That is my true and honest opinion on the subject and how unecessary I feel it all is
……………………………………………………………………
10:08 PM
April:
oh I know it's how ya feel...just giving you an idea of what I've seen in a lot of couples and myself...everyone is different I just feel that the majority of ppl want a good sex life
not necessarily have sex like in the pornos
……………………………………………………………………
10:08 PM
Amanda:
Yes, I know you were not criticizing me, it's alright.
lol I knew what you meant
……………………………………………………………………
10:08 PM
April:
have sex that fits each individual persons' needs
but it's pretty good
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM
Amanda:
I personally think that 90% of people, if given an ultimatum, would choose "great sex life but no love at all" over "true love and bond with a life partner that is robbed of sex" ....
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM
April:
felt like I was reading a published description on relationships
how it was written and all
all correct and shit lol
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM
Amanda:
ty, that was my intention because it is supposed to be a definitive essay
haha
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM
April:
I need to learn how to write better lol
……………………………………………………………………
This was in reference to my latest essay which I posted on my myspace because a friend at work insisted that she wanted to read it once I told her what the subject was. It's only a rough draft, but I don't think I'll change it much. Since I posted it on my myspace, I guess I'll post the thing here as well.
lol"....
Amanda:
Yo chica
U should read my latest blog
Hello? :( *cries*
Woe is me....my sister has abandoned me
……………………………………………………………………
9:43 PM
Amanda:
BLARGH arkjbafhjbads/;fikhnnkrvf/UBlCFW
……………………………………………………………………
9:45 PM
Amanda:
THis is a threat, I shall call you soon, MARK MY WORDS FOOLISH MORTAL!
……………………………………………………………………
9:51 PM
April:
lol
was away...wat's up?
……………………………………………………………………
9:51 PM
Amanda:
gah that noise scared me
read ze blog on myspace
……………………………………………………………………
9:52 PM
April:
heehee
……………………………………………………………………
9:52 PM
Amanda:
my latest one
……………………………………………………………………
9:52 PM
April:
kk
……………………………………………………………………
9:52 PM
Amanda:
sorry it is a bit long
……………………………………………………………………
10:00 PM
April:
good so far :P
……………………………………………………………………
10:00 PM
Amanda:
ty ty
……………………………………………………………………
10:00 PM
April:
lol although I disagree on the sex thing totally lol
……………………………………………………………………
10:00 PM
Amanda:
let me know what you think of the final product
Yeah yeah, I know
But I do mention that my views are not mainstream
……………………………………………………………………
10:01 PM
April:
ppl only have relationships because our first instinct is to mate :P
lol
……………………………………………………………………
10:01 PM
Amanda:
Oh I disagree
……………………………………………………………………
10:02 PM
April:
heehee believe me if the sex isn't good eventually it can cause the breakup :-D
……………………………………………………………………
10:02 PM
Amanda:
I think it is over rated
but that is just me
I know my opinion isn't popular
……………………………………………………………………
10:02 PM
April:
err have you ever had anyone give the big-O?
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
Amanda:
I feel so strange talking about SEX like this but yes I've had an....orgasm & <_< ugh this is weird
Yes yes yes, and yes
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
April:
lol sorry
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
Amanda:
lol it's ok
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
April:
I'll shut up :P
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
Amanda:
I'm still....weird about it
Nah I mean I dont want to be seen as insecure, it just....disturbs me to speak casually about it em...when it pertains to me, that is.
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
April:
yeah I understand...just that all of my sex partners sucked!!
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
Amanda:
I can talk of the SUBJECT, but when applied to myself, it becomes a different issue
……………………………………………………………………
10:03 PM
April:
except mike
meyh
meh*
……………………………………………………………………
10:05 PM
Amanda:
hmmmm well after going almost all my life without it, I realize how unnecessary it is and that we are really fooled into thinking we "need" it by society itself...even freaking doctors insist that it is classified as a "need", and I don't mean in relationships alone. I mean they say it is a "need" universally for our entire well being!
That is my true and honest opinion on the subject and how unecessary I feel it all is
……………………………………………………………………
10:08 PM
April:
oh I know it's how ya feel...just giving you an idea of what I've seen in a lot of couples and myself...everyone is different I just feel that the majority of ppl want a good sex life
not necessarily have sex like in the pornos
……………………………………………………………………
10:08 PM
Amanda:
Yes, I know you were not criticizing me, it's alright.
lol I knew what you meant
……………………………………………………………………
10:08 PM
April:
have sex that fits each individual persons' needs
but it's pretty good
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM
Amanda:
I personally think that 90% of people, if given an ultimatum, would choose "great sex life but no love at all" over "true love and bond with a life partner that is robbed of sex" ....
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM
April:
felt like I was reading a published description on relationships
how it was written and all
all correct and shit lol
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM
Amanda:
ty, that was my intention because it is supposed to be a definitive essay
haha
……………………………………………………………………
10:10 PM
April:
I need to learn how to write better lol
……………………………………………………………………
This was in reference to my latest essay which I posted on my myspace because a friend at work insisted that she wanted to read it once I told her what the subject was. It's only a rough draft, but I don't think I'll change it much. Since I posted it on my myspace, I guess I'll post the thing here as well.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
This feels great
Wow, I am actually in bed with my laptop, a couple of books and papers scattered across the covers with a cup of coffee by my side. I don't like coffee, but I found myself in need of caffeine tonight. I've not made myself coffee since last winter, seeing as how I am not fond of the taste...my bitter taste buds are quite oversensitive and hyperactive on the back of my tongue, those bastards.
Anyhow, I am enjoying myself at the moment. I can feel my brain expanding, and I'm so consciously aware of it that it is frightening almost. There are times when you long for something, and through that longing you slowly start to become or attain that which was so desirable to you and then suddenly, suddenly!...you take a step back and look at yourself and realize you're in very middle of it right here, right now. It's like learning to ride a bike with your eyes closed, only to open them and discover, "Holy shit... I'm actually doing it!"
I think that's how I feel right at this moment.
It's pretty fucking cool actually.
Anyhow, I am enjoying myself at the moment. I can feel my brain expanding, and I'm so consciously aware of it that it is frightening almost. There are times when you long for something, and through that longing you slowly start to become or attain that which was so desirable to you and then suddenly, suddenly!...you take a step back and look at yourself and realize you're in very middle of it right here, right now. It's like learning to ride a bike with your eyes closed, only to open them and discover, "Holy shit... I'm actually doing it!"
I think that's how I feel right at this moment.
It's pretty fucking cool actually.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Ironic Tragedies of an American Family
Below is my essay I wrote for English class. I was given the assignment to write a narrative essay on the topic of a series of events which garnered or earned me the respect of a parent, a relative or a friend.
I found this to be a difficult assignment because well...
1) I think it's a boring and terribly DULL topic that provokes no passionate response from me and
2) I pretty much have ALWAYS had the respect of my parents, family and friends because:
Parents - my dad was proud of me since he treated me like a son and always wanted a son (yeah we'll get into that some other day blah) and my mom was proud of me for a million reasons, and she always respected me...
Relatives - they've always had an enormous amount of respect for me as well, they knew of how I had overcome a lot...
Friends - if my FRIEND didn't respect me, they'd not be a FRIEND at all to me, right? Jesus, that's redundant. Of course my friends freaking respect me! Sheesh...
So not to sound arrogant, but I've never really had to earn respect from these people the assignment listed as those I had to include.
I hated the assignment, so I basically created some bullshit.
Now, this uncle of mine DOES exist, and he did indeed give me a card on my 18th birthday which contained a note on how proud he was of me. I was indeed surprised at how he was so open with me because I'd never felt a connection to him at all, and it really was because we were both shy. This much is true. However, the emotions listed in this essay are basically bullshit.... I fluffed it all up.
I had to base it on another essay where a Mexican authoress' father was ashamed of having her as a daughter simply because she was female, but she gained his respect FINALLY when one of her articles was published in a Mexican magazine. It was a small gesture in comparison to the fact that she'd already had several things published - including books - and had received several awards. The Mexican magazine publication, however, was the turning point for when her father finally started to respect his daughter and admitted he was proud of her. This essay was our example to follow in which we were to write about some pivotal moment in our relationship where we gained the respect of someone. I think this whole assignment was terrible boring but...whatever.
So Kampilan! Sorry I didn't let you read it when you offered to help me :) I was so....embarrassed at how fucking DULL this stupid assignment was and the terrible results I'd produced as a final product. However, last night I went to English class and graded a student's paper, and MY GOD IT WAS HORRIBLE! So in light of how terribly written my classmates' papers truly were, I worked up enough courage to post this shit here in a blog where you may now read it. Let me know if it truly sucks ass please? ^___^ *bows*
I found this to be a difficult assignment because well...
1) I think it's a boring and terribly DULL topic that provokes no passionate response from me and
2) I pretty much have ALWAYS had the respect of my parents, family and friends because:
Parents - my dad was proud of me since he treated me like a son and always wanted a son (yeah we'll get into that some other day blah) and my mom was proud of me for a million reasons, and she always respected me...
Relatives - they've always had an enormous amount of respect for me as well, they knew of how I had overcome a lot...
Friends - if my FRIEND didn't respect me, they'd not be a FRIEND at all to me, right? Jesus, that's redundant. Of course my friends freaking respect me! Sheesh...
So not to sound arrogant, but I've never really had to earn respect from these people the assignment listed as those I had to include.
I hated the assignment, so I basically created some bullshit.
Now, this uncle of mine DOES exist, and he did indeed give me a card on my 18th birthday which contained a note on how proud he was of me. I was indeed surprised at how he was so open with me because I'd never felt a connection to him at all, and it really was because we were both shy. This much is true. However, the emotions listed in this essay are basically bullshit.... I fluffed it all up.
I had to base it on another essay where a Mexican authoress' father was ashamed of having her as a daughter simply because she was female, but she gained his respect FINALLY when one of her articles was published in a Mexican magazine. It was a small gesture in comparison to the fact that she'd already had several things published - including books - and had received several awards. The Mexican magazine publication, however, was the turning point for when her father finally started to respect his daughter and admitted he was proud of her. This essay was our example to follow in which we were to write about some pivotal moment in our relationship where we gained the respect of someone. I think this whole assignment was terrible boring but...whatever.
So Kampilan! Sorry I didn't let you read it when you offered to help me :) I was so....embarrassed at how fucking DULL this stupid assignment was and the terrible results I'd produced as a final product. However, last night I went to English class and graded a student's paper, and MY GOD IT WAS HORRIBLE! So in light of how terribly written my classmates' papers truly were, I worked up enough courage to post this shit here in a blog where you may now read it. Let me know if it truly sucks ass please? ^___^ *bows*
To look down upon one's own blood relative, to judge them so harshly when you barely know them - isn't this a tragedy which is all too familiar within many American families? All too often we are too busy, too consumed with our daily tasks and rituals that we toss aside the more trivial matters - those unrelated to survival and work - such as spending time with our families. Too often we grow so far apart that we only know our family members as familiar faces we see on holidays or perhaps the faces that are in the pictures on our walls where we are all smiling happily as if we know each other well.
Yet despite our lack of family interaction, we often feel we are in a rightful seat of judgment to those very same family members as gossip or rumors spread and rip families apart. How misleading it all can be! The pictures, the gossiping, the fake formalities that are exchanged at Christmas or Thanksgiving - all lies, lies and more lies! A quint essential example of such an unfamiliar and yet judgmental person would be my uncle, William. I have never referred to him as "Uncle William" or any other such honorific - just William.
William is the younger brother of my mother, and a half brother at that. My rather large family consists of many complexities that are difficult to convey with words. Far too many marriages, divorces and children from other marriages have resulted in the creation of extended families and sub families, ultimately ending up in many "Who are you again?" circumstances at awkward family gatherings.
My mother had for many years been the victim of harsh family criticism for her struggles as a single mother recovering from a failed marriage to an alcoholic husband. Since we moved around a lot, as a result of her job, my sister and I were constantly pulled out of schools and placed in others. My sister and I were the only children, but nevertheless, my mother had her hands full with us. Our social barriers we faced as teenagers who were hopping from one school to another certainly had an impact on our mutual decision to drop out of school altogether. This, of course, further worsened my mother's reputation as an unfit mother who let her daughters do whatever they wanted at a whim since she was too unstable to do much more than keep a simple job in the family's eyes.
William was no exception to thinking very little of my mother, or so I'd heard. All the things he would say behind my mother's back when we weren't around made its way to our ears. He seemed to be within the majority of the opinions regarding my mother, sister and I.
"The girls don't care about their education, they're just lazy and stay home all the time!" or "The girls are a burden to poor Rhonda. She's working as hard as she can and all they do is sit around!" were common misconceptions which flew about the family circle. I hated how my sister and I constantly got referred to as "the girls" and not by our given names. My household was known as "Rhonda and the girls" to everyone else. Another family gathering, another holiday at Grandma's, another time to feel the reminders of how we were pitied for our financial and other rumored struggles within the family offered little help.
"How are you girls doing?" William would always ask, as if it were a forced polite question or a begrudgingly exchanged formality that he had to ask in order to simply appear nice to my sister and I.
"Good, I guess. You?" I would always manage to reply in this similar fashion every time I would see this uncle of mine.
It was always so awkward, for William was an intimidating person. He had faced adversity in his life and rose above it all! He had worked so hard for all he'd gained, fighting challenges as a young man and earning his way through college to become the proud businessman of the family. I knew he looked down upon us, despite his humble beginnings, for his air of superiority could be sensed from a mile away and we paled in comparison to the perfect example that we failed to live up to. He was a snob, just as everyone else said he was, and I knew it too. I didn't like his fake politeness.
We barely would exchange words beyond those which were forced out in a polite manner and consisted of brief updates on how we all were doing since the last family gathering. He reminded me of my father, or what little of him I can remember on the occasions when he was sober: frightening and nearly stoic with his unfeeling eyes that lacked compassion. There was one such family gathering, however, that altered our relationship and my perception of William.
On the day of my eighteenth birthday, I received a surprising amount of unwanted attention from family members I had not seen in a long time. It was simply coincidental that random family members happened to visit my grandma that day. My mother, sister and I were living with my grandma at the time, having little funds to live elsewhere, so naturally I was forced to mingle with everyone. William's visit to our household was another surprise of the day, for he'd not seen me on any birthday since I was probably eight years old. No party was planned, yet there William was, giving me a birthday card and hugging me like he'd never done before.
"Happy birthday," he said as he handed me the card.
"Thanks William," I replied, reassuring myself, once again, the he was forcing out the wishes and he did not truly care if I did indeed enjoy myself on this day or not.
As I read the card, however, I had many confused feelings that I can only clarify now in hindsight. William wrote a little paragraph in the card in scribbly hand writing which slanted this way and that, and he expressed how proud he was of my recent acquiring of a G.E.D. before encouraging me to take my education to further heights since I was so very smart. He wrote of how he knew what challenges I had faced and that he knew I could rise above it all.
Upon reading all his words, I was so baffled to learn that I had an unknown respect from him, and that was enough to render me speechless. Where was the unfeeling, selfish snob that I knew, or thought I knew? Where was the unfeeling businessman who had everything and looked down upon those who didn't have as much courage to overcome challenges just as he had done? Who was the person who was standing before me and why had I not seen him before?
I thanked William as best as I could, but I remember very little else of that day. The rest of that birthday was insignificant in light of what I'd discovered: I had the respect of a family member who I thought despised me, and (to my great shame) I despised as well. This card...this little card conveyed much more than just mere words. It was a realization for me when I turned the thought over in my mind that I did not know at what point I'd gained such admiration from him, or what pivotal action I'd performed to garner his respect, but it was there.
To this day, I see William as so much more humble, so human and so much more kind than what I gave him credit for. As it turns out, he and I could never exchange many words because we are both shy. He had a hard time in school just like me, so he had compassion hidden in his heart reserved and tucked away, never coming forth due to the fact that we almost never saw one another. It was not he who let family gossip get the better of him, but I rather, believing the negative comments I'd heard about his conceited arrogance that was nonexistent - a tragedy indeed, and an all too common one among American families who are too busy to get to know their family members. My relationship with William was changed for the better, and we now both hold each other in high regard. In light of how humbled I was by this experience, I strive to think the best of those around me, whether they be family, friend or foe, for truly we are not the ones who should sit in judgment of one other.
Side note: No, I didn't assume all these terrible things about this uncle of mine, I just made that shit up. I never thought badly of him, that was all fiction blah blah blah....
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I think this is beautiful...
When it comes to music, I am picky (big surprise huh?).
There is, however, one singer/songwriter that really inspires me with her talent. I don't suppose I have a "favorite", but if I had to choose one, it would be Missy Higgins.
I just wanted to blog about her because she really does uplift me, no matter what mood I'm in.
I am really weird about music, I think. I enjoy any sound, but if the lyrics SUCK, I cannot enjoy the song. I am so honed in on details that I am distracted by whatever the artist is singing about, rather than the sound. So, I think most people enjoy songs with shitty lyrics. They don't care what the person is singing about, so long as it sounds "cool" or whatever. Most songwriting has gone to shit in my opinion, but there are a few brilliant little stars that still shine brightly. This is one reason I enjoy international music that is not in English. If I cannot understand what the hell the artist is singing about, I can therefore enjoy just the sheer sound of the song and the voice that is singing. I even enjoy pop music in other languages, but I am sure that if I understood the lyrics, I would not like it. It makes perfect sense to me, but I know I am pretty much a loner in my views. It's all due to my attention to details that distract me from enjoying most songs. The stuff that plays on the radio these days is simply horrible.
Anyhow, back to Missy Higgins. She was recommended to me by someone in a chat channel once by an Australian chatter (wish I could thank her, I don't even remember the poor girl's name) and she is just....gah, I love her music. She has a very, VERY thick Australian accent in her songs, though, so she isn't popular here in the states. She is an acoustic guitar and piano player who writes brilliant lyrics and has a beautifully strong voice - in my opinion, of course. I think some would say she sounds like a folk singer, and I think she does in some songs. She has a deep sense of soul in other songs, almost bordering on funk in some places with her catchy acoustic rhythms and soulful voice. Most people scrunch up their faces upon hearing her voice though, due to her unavoidable Aussie accent. I find the accent cute though, it's very...Missy.
So her talent is brilliant, but her LYRICS are just as grand!
One song that inspires me like crazy is called Steer.
The video is awesome and explains the song further. Imagine this scenario:
A woman is shown in the video, very ordinary looking (woman is played by Missy) and she is taking off a cast from her arm. She has obviously been injured. She just shrugs it off and gets on the bus to go to her 9-5 job. Another plain, ordinary day at work as she takes her place among the crowds. She puts up her lunch pale into her locker which sports her name, and gets into her rather dull uniform - a one piece, mechanic's jumpsuit - before getting into the driver's side of a car. She drives the car, in front of scientific analyzers and on lookers, straight into a wall and purposefully crashes it. They analyze the results of the car and check her vital signs after the crash, etc. This is apparently her job, her place in society... in other words, she is a living, human crash test dummy.
She goes home and eats her cereal in bed alone in her tiny apartment. It's apparent she lives a very plain life robbed of any excitement as she gets up the next day, rides the bus and lets the process repeat of crashing cars and being used, manipulated and analyzed.
One day though, she is at her job and about to crash into another wall when suddenly, she sharply turns the wheel and takes off on her own, out of the test site with her destination unknown. She takes off that dingy uniform and smiles for the first time. She is now flying free and has no apparent destination in mind as she drives the car to wherever. At the end of the video, she drives to a random spot in the middle of nowhere before getting out of the car, leaning against it and smiling at the sunset. She apparently learned how to "steer" and choose her own path in the video.
I think it's a beautiful, wonderful message. Everyone can interpret it differently, but it does have a universal message in mind: freedom. Are we not the makers of our own destinies? Well, I do believe we are. I don't believe life just happens to you, you must happen to life. We are truly the ones who steer our own paths.
You get out of the box
And step into the clear
Oh
Cause now you finally know you can
Steer
I think THOSE are some of the best lyrics, aside from hymns.
YES I LIKE HYMNS! I'll blog about them some other day!
*crosses arms*
I think hymns contain some of the most beautiful stuff ever written, and NO I'm not a Bible thumping religious nut! I really think "Come Thou Fount" has some of the most brilliant, beautiful lyrics ever!
Anyhow... I wanted to share.
I'll probably make a seperate blog for all the lyrics that I love and would like to share with the world.
*whistles*
Now you finally know you control where you go, you can steer....
There is, however, one singer/songwriter that really inspires me with her talent. I don't suppose I have a "favorite", but if I had to choose one, it would be Missy Higgins.
I just wanted to blog about her because she really does uplift me, no matter what mood I'm in.
I am really weird about music, I think. I enjoy any sound, but if the lyrics SUCK, I cannot enjoy the song. I am so honed in on details that I am distracted by whatever the artist is singing about, rather than the sound. So, I think most people enjoy songs with shitty lyrics. They don't care what the person is singing about, so long as it sounds "cool" or whatever. Most songwriting has gone to shit in my opinion, but there are a few brilliant little stars that still shine brightly. This is one reason I enjoy international music that is not in English. If I cannot understand what the hell the artist is singing about, I can therefore enjoy just the sheer sound of the song and the voice that is singing. I even enjoy pop music in other languages, but I am sure that if I understood the lyrics, I would not like it. It makes perfect sense to me, but I know I am pretty much a loner in my views. It's all due to my attention to details that distract me from enjoying most songs. The stuff that plays on the radio these days is simply horrible.
Anyhow, back to Missy Higgins. She was recommended to me by someone in a chat channel once by an Australian chatter (wish I could thank her, I don't even remember the poor girl's name) and she is just....gah, I love her music. She has a very, VERY thick Australian accent in her songs, though, so she isn't popular here in the states. She is an acoustic guitar and piano player who writes brilliant lyrics and has a beautifully strong voice - in my opinion, of course. I think some would say she sounds like a folk singer, and I think she does in some songs. She has a deep sense of soul in other songs, almost bordering on funk in some places with her catchy acoustic rhythms and soulful voice. Most people scrunch up their faces upon hearing her voice though, due to her unavoidable Aussie accent. I find the accent cute though, it's very...Missy.
So her talent is brilliant, but her LYRICS are just as grand!
One song that inspires me like crazy is called Steer.
The video is awesome and explains the song further. Imagine this scenario:
A woman is shown in the video, very ordinary looking (woman is played by Missy) and she is taking off a cast from her arm. She has obviously been injured. She just shrugs it off and gets on the bus to go to her 9-5 job. Another plain, ordinary day at work as she takes her place among the crowds. She puts up her lunch pale into her locker which sports her name, and gets into her rather dull uniform - a one piece, mechanic's jumpsuit - before getting into the driver's side of a car. She drives the car, in front of scientific analyzers and on lookers, straight into a wall and purposefully crashes it. They analyze the results of the car and check her vital signs after the crash, etc. This is apparently her job, her place in society... in other words, she is a living, human crash test dummy.
She goes home and eats her cereal in bed alone in her tiny apartment. It's apparent she lives a very plain life robbed of any excitement as she gets up the next day, rides the bus and lets the process repeat of crashing cars and being used, manipulated and analyzed.
One day though, she is at her job and about to crash into another wall when suddenly, she sharply turns the wheel and takes off on her own, out of the test site with her destination unknown. She takes off that dingy uniform and smiles for the first time. She is now flying free and has no apparent destination in mind as she drives the car to wherever. At the end of the video, she drives to a random spot in the middle of nowhere before getting out of the car, leaning against it and smiling at the sunset. She apparently learned how to "steer" and choose her own path in the video.
I think it's a beautiful, wonderful message. Everyone can interpret it differently, but it does have a universal message in mind: freedom. Are we not the makers of our own destinies? Well, I do believe we are. I don't believe life just happens to you, you must happen to life. We are truly the ones who steer our own paths.
Feel it falling off like clothing
Taste it rolling on your tongue
See the lights above you glowing
Oh and breathe them deep into your lungs
It was always simple
Not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings
Playing puppet to the kings
And you've had enough
But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
That you control where you go
You can steer
So hold this feeling like a newborn
All the freedom surging through your veins
You have opened up a new door
So bring on the wind, fire and rain
It was always simple
Not hidden hard
You'd been played at a game
Called remembering your name
And you stuffed it up
But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
That you control where you go
You can steer
And now you finally know
That you control where you go
You can steer
Cause you've been searching for answers
But the city screams and all your dreams go unheard
But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
That you control where you go
You can steer
Oh
Taste it rolling on your tongue
See the lights above you glowing
Oh and breathe them deep into your lungs
It was always simple
Not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings
Playing puppet to the kings
And you've had enough
But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
That you control where you go
You can steer
So hold this feeling like a newborn
All the freedom surging through your veins
You have opened up a new door
So bring on the wind, fire and rain
It was always simple
Not hidden hard
You'd been played at a game
Called remembering your name
And you stuffed it up
But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
That you control where you go
You can steer
And now you finally know
That you control where you go
You can steer
Cause you've been searching for answers
But the city screams and all your dreams go unheard
But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
That you control where you go
You can steer
Oh
You get out of the box
And step into the clear
Oh
Cause now you finally know you can
Steer
I think THOSE are some of the best lyrics, aside from hymns.
YES I LIKE HYMNS! I'll blog about them some other day!
*crosses arms*
I think hymns contain some of the most beautiful stuff ever written, and NO I'm not a Bible thumping religious nut! I really think "Come Thou Fount" has some of the most brilliant, beautiful lyrics ever!
Anyhow... I wanted to share.
I'll probably make a seperate blog for all the lyrics that I love and would like to share with the world.
*whistles*
Now you finally know you control where you go, you can steer....
Friday, September 11, 2009
Mixed Thoughts On Sexuality
I don't know if I should entitle this "Mixed thoughts on sexuality" or "...homosexuality" or just "...lesbians" or whatever. I just thought I'd write about a few things that have been annoying me for a while.
So... Oh God, where do I start?
You know how we sort out people in our minds' categories? We "stereotype" them? We place them in groups of other people that we have known or have met that are similar, whether it be by their personality or their looks, we all do it sometimes. It's ok, I'm guilty of it too. As a matter of fact, since I am such a judgmental person and I study people constantly, I am one of the worst about doing this!
Well, even I have boundaries where I say enough is enough. I may place people into categories based on previous knowledge and experience with others, but I do not let that form my opinion of them before I know them. I am really tired of people doing that to homosexuals simply because they are homosexuals.
The ironic thing, and perhaps the most tragic thing about this annoying action is the fact that homosexuals may be the worst about doing this more so than any other group! I am really tired of homosexuals feeding stereotypes as if the stereotypical characterizations were a fucking guideline list of requirements to be gay!
So, here is an excerpt from a story I posted a link to before on another blog (click here to read that blog, or access the link). I will give another warning, just as I did in that blog: this is a fucking depressing story, so you've been warned not to read it.
I just skimmed through this story, reading the first, last and a few middle chapters. It's a true story about 2 lesbians. Read this:
________________________________________________________________________________
“Oh my god, you are being so gay on me right now” I said. I chuckled at the same time she chuckled.
“I’m gay… I’m so gay people think I’m a boy most of the times” she smiled. “This is me being extra lesbian, pouring my heart into your mouth, into your eyes, into your gayness. This is me in my most homosexual me ever, right here right now. I’m a lesbian, you are a lesbian and I’m in love with you”
“Oh fuck” I looked away, grinning.
_______________________________________________________________________________
I'm sorry, perhaps I analyze shit TOO FUCKING MUCH, but is it such a freaking big deal that people mistook her for a boy? Does getting mistaken as a boy make you a lesbian?
"I'm so gay, people think I'm a boy!" WTF!
So, if you get mistaken as a boy, you're super duper extra fucking gay? And if you don't get mistaken as a boy, are you straight and narrow as a rod? Does being masculine mean you are a lesbian, or if you lack masculine qualities, are you less qualified to be lesbian? I hate these shitty stereotypes that homosexuals are locking onto.
You know what? I've been mistaken for a guy before! I had a bad hair cut from a devil woman once, and yes I looked like a boy. It made me horribly uncomfy for people to think I was a guy because I felt a need to correct them. I wasn't proud of that as though as if to announce to the world "Oh look! I got mistaken as a boy! Halle-fucking-luiah! I get my gay stamp now!"
I also happen to have a deep voice for a woman, and over the phone at work, I often got mistaken as a guy. Meh...it happens, but it doesn't upset me. I understand that people can mistake my voice as a guy's voice over the phone because they can't see my face. It doesn't make me PROUD either, though as if I'm extra extra gay if I get masculine points!
And you know what? I'm so not hating on masculine women! I mean, if they want to wear men's clothing, get buzz cuts, be overly chivalrous as a gentleman would and grow a fucking beard, that's ok with me! I actually think some girls with boyish haircuts are rather cute, so don't misunderstand me.
What I am saying is I am tired of homosexuals thinking they have to fit into those categories in order to find their identity.
Think I am wrong about homosexuals? I don't....an example:
I once bought a book on lesbianism, being curious about how a professor from some college would write about the subject from a modern perspective. I often went to the "Gay and Lesbian" section of Barnes&Noble, and they have quite a few books to thumb through. I picked up a lesbian guide to dating, as the cover art was catchy and colorful (imagine that, how fucking rainbow of them) and found so much humor in the pages, I just had to buy it. The authoress was/is a professor at a college, but for the life of me I cannot remember her name or the name of the book. She teaches about sexuality though, so I would consider her an interesting source. I guess some college professors are just as full of shit as the rest of us morons here on planet earth though, because after I got the book home and actually read more, I realized how set in stone her stereotypical advice was!
This book featured advice on women, you know, how to get the girl, ways to meet women and success stories, etc etc. She started from the basics with advice on how to even figure out if you're a lesbian or not. I find this to be a flaw first off, because I don't think it's so set in black and white that one truly is something. Your sexuality does not define who and what you fucking ARE as if it's your entire identity! It's only a portion of you, not the whole thing! She basically gave advice that was rooted in the belief that you either are or aren't a lesbian, and what traits you should have if you are/aren't. I HATE such boundaries, such black and white concrete, set-in-stone typical misinterpretations of sexuality! She basically had a fucking checklist to categorize yourself in order to assist you in finding your identity! FUCK THAT SHIT dude, seriously! Expand your mind and stop letting such thinking of others form your own opinions for you! She is a lesbian, and she is stereotyping more than most!
The worst thing I found in her book, the absolute WORST thing I found was one of her steps to find out about yourself by examining and asking yourself this one question:
"Are you a butch or a femme?"
FUCK!
She even had a checklist underneath both categories that featured supposed characteristics about each class and you were supposed to examine whether or not you had this or that trait for being a butch or a femme lesbian! How narrow minded! I think the majority of the lesbian community which claims to be "educated" on the subject of sexuality feels the same as this professor. Prime example can be found here. Yes, there is a butch-femme.com website, and it puts you in a class and takes away the rest of your identity! This shit really needs to stop.
So what the fuck am I then (by their standards) ?
As I read the lists of characteristics, I realized I had both qualities and it seemed to be an equal number on each list. Oh, I guess I don't have a place! Shun the outsider! Now I have an identity crisis, boo-hoo! Where's my identity?! I lost it!
Most people refer to me as a tomboy, a sort of neutral person who isn't all that girly, but at the same time I'm not really all that masculine either. I'm just me. Yes, I do wear men's clothing sometimes, but I also have women's clothing. I like men's bluejeans better because they don't squeeze the life out of my ass and put it on display for all the world to see. I also find that many men's shirts are more comfortable, but I don't do it to look like a man so I can be "butch" and get more attention as a lesbian in order to get "femmes" to latch onto me! So I may wear some men's clothing, but I don't have a short boy hair cut, so am I a "femme"?? I used to carry a wallet, but I have a purse now. It's not even a girly purse either, it looks like a freaking army satchel. I like wallets better because I hate carrying a bag, but well...I am a female, and I need to carry girly products once a month...thus the purse. I don't wear make up, so am I "butch"? I have a pink watch though, so am I a "femme"? etc etc, these stereotypes are bullshit! This shit is supposed to make me get to know myself better and know my sexual identity?! Uuuhhh, sorry professor lady, but no thank you, I think I can figure things out better without examining my pants and mannerisms.
I hated that question so much, "Are you a butch or a femme?".... ugh ugh ugh! I have a name, it's Amanda, and that's the ONLY fucking identity I need! Strip me of my other characteristics and label me a butch or femme and place me within your mind's molded view on sexuality which is formed by others! Leave me with nothing left to my name other than my sexual preference and what fucking type of woman I am into! Take away my God damned soul while you're at it, you stupid ass closed minded people who think we need such strict guidelines to figure ourselves out! Go ahead and do it, and just draw up plans to put on my concrete grave marker whether I'm a "butch or a femme" too, I won't even give my preference to which one you label me as. I'll let you decide for me, after all, I'm already letting you decide FOR ME if I believe that cookie-cutter bullshit!
Fuck this, now I'm mad.
I'll shut the fuck up now, I've said my piece
_______________________________________________________________________
Okay, so this blog was originally posted in the early AM hours before I went to bed, but this morning I woke up and decided to add a little bit more after doing a search for "butch and femme quiz" on the web, having seen that it is apparently a popular search term. I am laughing my fucking ass off here...
So here is a random quiz that came up with my search results:
Click me
Okay, for shits and giggles, I took the quiz. I scored amazingly high on the "Androgynous " scale! So what WOULD the world label me as then? hahaha... fuck all you confining, conforming mind rotting clones. I don't live in your box square box of rules and labels.
*sticks tongue out*
I think I'll just act like an immature prick now, thanks.
So... Oh God, where do I start?
You know how we sort out people in our minds' categories? We "stereotype" them? We place them in groups of other people that we have known or have met that are similar, whether it be by their personality or their looks, we all do it sometimes. It's ok, I'm guilty of it too. As a matter of fact, since I am such a judgmental person and I study people constantly, I am one of the worst about doing this!
Well, even I have boundaries where I say enough is enough. I may place people into categories based on previous knowledge and experience with others, but I do not let that form my opinion of them before I know them. I am really tired of people doing that to homosexuals simply because they are homosexuals.
The ironic thing, and perhaps the most tragic thing about this annoying action is the fact that homosexuals may be the worst about doing this more so than any other group! I am really tired of homosexuals feeding stereotypes as if the stereotypical characterizations were a fucking guideline list of requirements to be gay!
So, here is an excerpt from a story I posted a link to before on another blog (click here to read that blog, or access the link). I will give another warning, just as I did in that blog: this is a fucking depressing story, so you've been warned not to read it.
I just skimmed through this story, reading the first, last and a few middle chapters. It's a true story about 2 lesbians. Read this:
________________________________________________________________________________
“Oh my god, you are being so gay on me right now” I said. I chuckled at the same time she chuckled.
“I’m gay… I’m so gay people think I’m a boy most of the times” she smiled. “This is me being extra lesbian, pouring my heart into your mouth, into your eyes, into your gayness. This is me in my most homosexual me ever, right here right now. I’m a lesbian, you are a lesbian and I’m in love with you”
“Oh fuck” I looked away, grinning.
_______________________________________________________________________________
I'm sorry, perhaps I analyze shit TOO FUCKING MUCH, but is it such a freaking big deal that people mistook her for a boy? Does getting mistaken as a boy make you a lesbian?
"I'm so gay, people think I'm a boy!" WTF!
So, if you get mistaken as a boy, you're super duper extra fucking gay? And if you don't get mistaken as a boy, are you straight and narrow as a rod? Does being masculine mean you are a lesbian, or if you lack masculine qualities, are you less qualified to be lesbian? I hate these shitty stereotypes that homosexuals are locking onto.
You know what? I've been mistaken for a guy before! I had a bad hair cut from a devil woman once, and yes I looked like a boy. It made me horribly uncomfy for people to think I was a guy because I felt a need to correct them. I wasn't proud of that as though as if to announce to the world "Oh look! I got mistaken as a boy! Halle-fucking-luiah! I get my gay stamp now!"
I also happen to have a deep voice for a woman, and over the phone at work, I often got mistaken as a guy. Meh...it happens, but it doesn't upset me. I understand that people can mistake my voice as a guy's voice over the phone because they can't see my face. It doesn't make me PROUD either, though as if I'm extra extra gay if I get masculine points!
And you know what? I'm so not hating on masculine women! I mean, if they want to wear men's clothing, get buzz cuts, be overly chivalrous as a gentleman would and grow a fucking beard, that's ok with me! I actually think some girls with boyish haircuts are rather cute, so don't misunderstand me.
What I am saying is I am tired of homosexuals thinking they have to fit into those categories in order to find their identity.
Think I am wrong about homosexuals? I don't....an example:
I once bought a book on lesbianism, being curious about how a professor from some college would write about the subject from a modern perspective. I often went to the "Gay and Lesbian" section of Barnes&Noble, and they have quite a few books to thumb through. I picked up a lesbian guide to dating, as the cover art was catchy and colorful (imagine that, how fucking rainbow of them) and found so much humor in the pages, I just had to buy it. The authoress was/is a professor at a college, but for the life of me I cannot remember her name or the name of the book. She teaches about sexuality though, so I would consider her an interesting source. I guess some college professors are just as full of shit as the rest of us morons here on planet earth though, because after I got the book home and actually read more, I realized how set in stone her stereotypical advice was!
This book featured advice on women, you know, how to get the girl, ways to meet women and success stories, etc etc. She started from the basics with advice on how to even figure out if you're a lesbian or not. I find this to be a flaw first off, because I don't think it's so set in black and white that one truly is something. Your sexuality does not define who and what you fucking ARE as if it's your entire identity! It's only a portion of you, not the whole thing! She basically gave advice that was rooted in the belief that you either are or aren't a lesbian, and what traits you should have if you are/aren't. I HATE such boundaries, such black and white concrete, set-in-stone typical misinterpretations of sexuality! She basically had a fucking checklist to categorize yourself in order to assist you in finding your identity! FUCK THAT SHIT dude, seriously! Expand your mind and stop letting such thinking of others form your own opinions for you! She is a lesbian, and she is stereotyping more than most!
The worst thing I found in her book, the absolute WORST thing I found was one of her steps to find out about yourself by examining and asking yourself this one question:
"Are you a butch or a femme?"
FUCK!
She even had a checklist underneath both categories that featured supposed characteristics about each class and you were supposed to examine whether or not you had this or that trait for being a butch or a femme lesbian! How narrow minded! I think the majority of the lesbian community which claims to be "educated" on the subject of sexuality feels the same as this professor. Prime example can be found here. Yes, there is a butch-femme.com website, and it puts you in a class and takes away the rest of your identity! This shit really needs to stop.
So what the fuck am I then (by their standards) ?
As I read the lists of characteristics, I realized I had both qualities and it seemed to be an equal number on each list. Oh, I guess I don't have a place! Shun the outsider! Now I have an identity crisis, boo-hoo! Where's my identity?! I lost it!
Most people refer to me as a tomboy, a sort of neutral person who isn't all that girly, but at the same time I'm not really all that masculine either. I'm just me. Yes, I do wear men's clothing sometimes, but I also have women's clothing. I like men's bluejeans better because they don't squeeze the life out of my ass and put it on display for all the world to see. I also find that many men's shirts are more comfortable, but I don't do it to look like a man so I can be "butch" and get more attention as a lesbian in order to get "femmes" to latch onto me! So I may wear some men's clothing, but I don't have a short boy hair cut, so am I a "femme"?? I used to carry a wallet, but I have a purse now. It's not even a girly purse either, it looks like a freaking army satchel. I like wallets better because I hate carrying a bag, but well...I am a female, and I need to carry girly products once a month...thus the purse. I don't wear make up, so am I "butch"? I have a pink watch though, so am I a "femme"? etc etc, these stereotypes are bullshit! This shit is supposed to make me get to know myself better and know my sexual identity?! Uuuhhh, sorry professor lady, but no thank you, I think I can figure things out better without examining my pants and mannerisms.
I hated that question so much, "Are you a butch or a femme?".... ugh ugh ugh! I have a name, it's Amanda, and that's the ONLY fucking identity I need! Strip me of my other characteristics and label me a butch or femme and place me within your mind's molded view on sexuality which is formed by others! Leave me with nothing left to my name other than my sexual preference and what fucking type of woman I am into! Take away my God damned soul while you're at it, you stupid ass closed minded people who think we need such strict guidelines to figure ourselves out! Go ahead and do it, and just draw up plans to put on my concrete grave marker whether I'm a "butch or a femme" too, I won't even give my preference to which one you label me as. I'll let you decide for me, after all, I'm already letting you decide FOR ME if I believe that cookie-cutter bullshit!
Fuck this, now I'm mad.
I'll shut the fuck up now, I've said my piece
_______________________________________________________________________
Okay, so this blog was originally posted in the early AM hours before I went to bed, but this morning I woke up and decided to add a little bit more after doing a search for "butch and femme quiz" on the web, having seen that it is apparently a popular search term. I am laughing my fucking ass off here...
So here is a random quiz that came up with my search results:
Click me
Okay, for shits and giggles, I took the quiz. I scored amazingly high on the "Androgynous " scale! So what WOULD the world label me as then? hahaha... fuck all you confining, conforming mind rotting clones. I don't live in your box square box of rules and labels.
*sticks tongue out*
I think I'll just act like an immature prick now, thanks.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Friendship
I think friendship can come in a few different forms. I have a few friends that I know personally and I would trust them with my life, they are just that awesome. I have made a few online who I met in person since they happened to live close to me, and I am still friends with them. Actually, they are my closest friends....Chris, David, Monica, Trent and others. I think it more than a mere coincidence that we met online and just happened to live fairly close together.
We have all moved apart due to our jobs and lives; they have all relocated to towns/cities that are far away from me now, and it isn't easy to visit them. I miss their company, but I cannot replace them with just anyone. I have a few people that I hang out with, but for the most part, I am pretty much a loner. This is not due to the fact that I cannot make more friends, I know I could. I don't like to surround myself with just anyone though, I find it hard to enjoy the company of most.
I am a good actress though, and I could fool anyone into thinking I am enjoying the conversation. I gained these skills by being a salesperson for a couple of years. We were taught that we had to sell ourselves to the person before we actually could sell the product - no one wants to buy from a salesperson they don't trust. I quickly learned to be versatile and relate to people in conversation and really get on their level. Once I got into my sales mode, you wouldn't know me. It's one reason I don't trust sales people...it's always an act, of course.
So yes, I am quite capable of carrying on a conversation and being very pleasant.
I do not actually enjoy being in the presence of most people though, and I have selfish reasons for that.
The other day, I spoke with someone about selfishness and how all that we do as humans ultimately is rooted in selfishness. I will stress this a bit more in this post tonight. I truly have selfish reasons for my finickiness for company.
Why?
Well, it is simple: if I do not gain anything from the conversation, it isn't all that interesting...
Now, don't go hating me for making such a comment or thinking of me as a bitch, let me explain.
I'll just explain the perfect company to you, or at least try to explain it in order to convey what I like. I like learning from people. I like it when I am able to have a conversation where I walk away refreshed, feeling as if I was enriched or enhanced in some way. Whether I was able to gain knowledge about factual information, inspiration and feelings that build me up or attained new knowledge of the person, I like having that feeling of becoming a better person by taking in the environment around me.
One may think of that as selfish, and YES it is! It's ok, stating the truth doesn't make it more selfish than it was when it was unsaid.
Now, the other day my friend Tiffany was really bummed. She is in college, working full time and is considering taking on a second job part time to help pay for her bills. She and her guy are struggling to make ends meet. She is taking 15 hours per week of classes, and she just really has her hands full. She was also being griped at by her mom who was accusing her of being irresponsible for other issues. I know Tiffany has had it hard, she is a good friend of mine. I was very sympathetic toward her and tried to do all I could to help her in her time of need. I truly felt compassion for her and wanted so badly to take away the burden because she works so hard and always has the world on her shoulders. I listened a lot and tried to remind her of the faith I had in her... I'll get to my point now...
My point is that this action of mine may have seemed unselfish. After all, I didn't "gain" anything by this conversation did I? I did say above that I like to walk away having gained something from the conversation.
I did gain something actually.
I still served my own interest, or did what I wanted because I hated to see my friend in pain. I did not like to see her like that, what friend would? It provokes emotions within us that are not pleasant, obviously! So I wanted to take that pain away and make it better, because, after all, once she is happy again, I will be happy again. Make sense?
This is not something I exclusively do alone, no we all do it. It's human nature. It's not "Amanda nature", it's just the way we all are!
So truly, this is actually a selfish blog post then.
I felt I had to say all this in order to get to what is on my mind, or at least what little I can convey of what is on my mind, that is.
Friendship is a wonderful thing, despite my mixed views on it. I think in so many ways, friendship is selfish, yes but... I am striving to try to still be as unselfish as I can, if that makes sense. Being unselfish still makes me feel good though, so it's redundant!
Jesus said something about a good deed that is done in private is better than one done in public where everyone can praise you for it. I have so many things I would like to give to and to tell a friend, but I feel so selfish for wanting those things at all. In the end, it seems I can only serve my own desires.
I think this blog is becoming more and more mysterious, but I cannot be too frank for many reasons.
I once had a friend online named Dianne. She and I haven't spoken in a few months, but we try to catch each other as much as possible. I've known her now for over 3 years online. She is 37 now and we met in a chat room. We quickly discovered we had so much in common that went back to our childhood days. She and I shared things with one another that we've never told others about regarding our childhoods. The things that happened when we were younger shaped our sexualities, so yes I'll go ahead and say she is a lesbian. We often startled each other with how similar we were, it was just uncanny - unheard of even! She saw so much in me as far as my mind's potential, and constantly uplifted my spirits and encouraged me to have more confidence. She had a great impact on my life...she told me she was so impressed with me that our conversations were some of the most important moments of her life.
Does that sound sad?
Perhaps it does to someone a bit closed-minded. Try to step out of your judgmental tendency to want to say, "Wow, that's pathetic. Those two need a life!" and listen.
A simple conversation where words are exchanged that uplift and give hope - one robbed of fake formalities and the shallow bullshit that infects our brains to numbing point - can often have more impact than a million lighthearted conversations that lack substance. Having online friends does not make me a person with no life; I have both kinds of friends. Both have proved to have an effect on my life.
Dianne is a pessimist, a very sarcastic realist. Yet, despite her tough exterior, she is one of the most caring people I have met. She simply has strong opinions, kind of like me in fact. She once told me how I had impacted her life and to what extent. She went so far as to say I had restored her faith in humanity because she believed that the ideals we strive for had long been dead and gone until we started talking.
I really thought she was kind of exaggerating, but I think I now understand what she meant now 2 or so years later...
Actually, I know for a fact that I understand what she meant and how she felt. I too had let my hopes fall pretty low, and I didn't even know it. I didn't realize I'd let myself fall into a rut by not having anything to strive for or reach after, no ideals or direction. No spark of inspiration, no goals or purpose behind becoming a better person. No desire to expand my mind or heart, feeling as if there was no purpose since all the world around me seemed to be beneath my feet and there was nothing left to learn... I was so wrong. I'm glad I was really.
Inspiration often comes from the most unlikely sources. I've now been inspired to do all those things I just spoke of...to expand my mind, to learn once more and use whatever gifts I possess, whatever they may be. I am now in a mode of self discovery that I've not felt for almost 10 years. I now feel purpose, and although I seem to lack direction, I feel an extreme amount of joy in feeling my mind has no limits. I feel I do not know where it will lead me, but I am motivated to let it go wherever.
One may wonder why I spoke of selfishness earlier and how it may tie into what I am now speaking of regarding my friendships and newfound found motivation. Well, that will take quite a bit of courage (yes, I said courage) to explain, and I cannot even fully explain it either.
You see, it lies in a person and my purpose in posting this blog is truly a selfish purpose. I have struggled with such a selfish desire to tell this person that they have had such an impact on me, but how do I do that? How do you tell a person something like that? I can't, but if I don't... it will bother me. I've tried to write down my feelings and channel them that way, but it only seems to amplify my anxiety to tell this person. I made a stinking vow to not tell them for a long time, for certain reasons.... why do I feel so anxious to tell them? After all, I won't necessarily gain anything from it, will I? I guess I will gain something actually, because I'll have more peace of mind. I'm afraid of what this person will think if I actually come out and say, "Hey I think you're the most inspiring person I've ever spoken to and you have improved my life!" I can't say that, can I? Or can I? I think that person would be very confused.
I think that person would not believe me, not because they would doubt me and my words, but because they do not realize how stunning they are. They don't know how it feels to be someone on the receiving end of their words in a conversation. If only we could truly view ourselves from the eyes of others sometimes, we would all be more well rounded and understanding.
I want to tell this person and toss my promise to keep my views to myself aside for a couple of reasons....
I want this person to know because if I don't tell them, I'll probably die of anxiety. Each time we speak, I have to hold myself back from saying "You're brilliant!"
The other reason I want to tell them NOW is a simple, cliche one: we don't know if tomorrow will come, and then I might miss my chance.
If a person is that incredible, they should be told, right? I might miss my chance, and that thought scares me because I really want them to know. I wish I could just drop some anonymous note to this person, without them knowing who it was from, and tell them all these things. If I did that though, my words would have no credibility because they wouldn't know who it was from. I wonder if any of this blog makes any sense at all. I doubt anyone will understand... I am so frustrated. I am between a rock and a hard place, as the saying goes.
I didn't think friendship would have this great of an effect on me, certainly not. I was so stuck in my ways of simple life, not moving and not craving anything more, I had long ago stopped thinking outside of the box. I was moved to actually wake up and I owe this person so much. They are unaware I believe, for the most part. I mean... I have really tried to keep my words in check.
Frustrated, frustrated, frustrated..... and my words are so ungraceful and unrefined right now. I don't really care, this is a blog after all so fuck it.
Well, I hope I can tell this person without sounding too foolish. I still am convinced that my motives for telling this person are rooted in selfishness, so yeah...I am guilty of that. I just want them to know. I just do.
So this blog was weird, I know.
*shrugs*
I guess in conclusion, I can say I am glad to have their friendship.
(understatement of the year)
Peace out.
We have all moved apart due to our jobs and lives; they have all relocated to towns/cities that are far away from me now, and it isn't easy to visit them. I miss their company, but I cannot replace them with just anyone. I have a few people that I hang out with, but for the most part, I am pretty much a loner. This is not due to the fact that I cannot make more friends, I know I could. I don't like to surround myself with just anyone though, I find it hard to enjoy the company of most.
I am a good actress though, and I could fool anyone into thinking I am enjoying the conversation. I gained these skills by being a salesperson for a couple of years. We were taught that we had to sell ourselves to the person before we actually could sell the product - no one wants to buy from a salesperson they don't trust. I quickly learned to be versatile and relate to people in conversation and really get on their level. Once I got into my sales mode, you wouldn't know me. It's one reason I don't trust sales people...it's always an act, of course.
So yes, I am quite capable of carrying on a conversation and being very pleasant.
I do not actually enjoy being in the presence of most people though, and I have selfish reasons for that.
The other day, I spoke with someone about selfishness and how all that we do as humans ultimately is rooted in selfishness. I will stress this a bit more in this post tonight. I truly have selfish reasons for my finickiness for company.
Why?
Well, it is simple: if I do not gain anything from the conversation, it isn't all that interesting...
Now, don't go hating me for making such a comment or thinking of me as a bitch, let me explain.
I'll just explain the perfect company to you, or at least try to explain it in order to convey what I like. I like learning from people. I like it when I am able to have a conversation where I walk away refreshed, feeling as if I was enriched or enhanced in some way. Whether I was able to gain knowledge about factual information, inspiration and feelings that build me up or attained new knowledge of the person, I like having that feeling of becoming a better person by taking in the environment around me.
One may think of that as selfish, and YES it is! It's ok, stating the truth doesn't make it more selfish than it was when it was unsaid.
Now, the other day my friend Tiffany was really bummed. She is in college, working full time and is considering taking on a second job part time to help pay for her bills. She and her guy are struggling to make ends meet. She is taking 15 hours per week of classes, and she just really has her hands full. She was also being griped at by her mom who was accusing her of being irresponsible for other issues. I know Tiffany has had it hard, she is a good friend of mine. I was very sympathetic toward her and tried to do all I could to help her in her time of need. I truly felt compassion for her and wanted so badly to take away the burden because she works so hard and always has the world on her shoulders. I listened a lot and tried to remind her of the faith I had in her... I'll get to my point now...
My point is that this action of mine may have seemed unselfish. After all, I didn't "gain" anything by this conversation did I? I did say above that I like to walk away having gained something from the conversation.
I did gain something actually.
I still served my own interest, or did what I wanted because I hated to see my friend in pain. I did not like to see her like that, what friend would? It provokes emotions within us that are not pleasant, obviously! So I wanted to take that pain away and make it better, because, after all, once she is happy again, I will be happy again. Make sense?
This is not something I exclusively do alone, no we all do it. It's human nature. It's not "Amanda nature", it's just the way we all are!
So truly, this is actually a selfish blog post then.
I felt I had to say all this in order to get to what is on my mind, or at least what little I can convey of what is on my mind, that is.
Friendship is a wonderful thing, despite my mixed views on it. I think in so many ways, friendship is selfish, yes but... I am striving to try to still be as unselfish as I can, if that makes sense. Being unselfish still makes me feel good though, so it's redundant!
Jesus said something about a good deed that is done in private is better than one done in public where everyone can praise you for it. I have so many things I would like to give to and to tell a friend, but I feel so selfish for wanting those things at all. In the end, it seems I can only serve my own desires.
I think this blog is becoming more and more mysterious, but I cannot be too frank for many reasons.
I once had a friend online named Dianne. She and I haven't spoken in a few months, but we try to catch each other as much as possible. I've known her now for over 3 years online. She is 37 now and we met in a chat room. We quickly discovered we had so much in common that went back to our childhood days. She and I shared things with one another that we've never told others about regarding our childhoods. The things that happened when we were younger shaped our sexualities, so yes I'll go ahead and say she is a lesbian. We often startled each other with how similar we were, it was just uncanny - unheard of even! She saw so much in me as far as my mind's potential, and constantly uplifted my spirits and encouraged me to have more confidence. She had a great impact on my life...she told me she was so impressed with me that our conversations were some of the most important moments of her life.
Does that sound sad?
Perhaps it does to someone a bit closed-minded. Try to step out of your judgmental tendency to want to say, "Wow, that's pathetic. Those two need a life!" and listen.
A simple conversation where words are exchanged that uplift and give hope - one robbed of fake formalities and the shallow bullshit that infects our brains to numbing point - can often have more impact than a million lighthearted conversations that lack substance. Having online friends does not make me a person with no life; I have both kinds of friends. Both have proved to have an effect on my life.
Dianne is a pessimist, a very sarcastic realist. Yet, despite her tough exterior, she is one of the most caring people I have met. She simply has strong opinions, kind of like me in fact. She once told me how I had impacted her life and to what extent. She went so far as to say I had restored her faith in humanity because she believed that the ideals we strive for had long been dead and gone until we started talking.
I really thought she was kind of exaggerating, but I think I now understand what she meant now 2 or so years later...
Actually, I know for a fact that I understand what she meant and how she felt. I too had let my hopes fall pretty low, and I didn't even know it. I didn't realize I'd let myself fall into a rut by not having anything to strive for or reach after, no ideals or direction. No spark of inspiration, no goals or purpose behind becoming a better person. No desire to expand my mind or heart, feeling as if there was no purpose since all the world around me seemed to be beneath my feet and there was nothing left to learn... I was so wrong. I'm glad I was really.
Inspiration often comes from the most unlikely sources. I've now been inspired to do all those things I just spoke of...to expand my mind, to learn once more and use whatever gifts I possess, whatever they may be. I am now in a mode of self discovery that I've not felt for almost 10 years. I now feel purpose, and although I seem to lack direction, I feel an extreme amount of joy in feeling my mind has no limits. I feel I do not know where it will lead me, but I am motivated to let it go wherever.
One may wonder why I spoke of selfishness earlier and how it may tie into what I am now speaking of regarding my friendships and newfound found motivation. Well, that will take quite a bit of courage (yes, I said courage) to explain, and I cannot even fully explain it either.
You see, it lies in a person and my purpose in posting this blog is truly a selfish purpose. I have struggled with such a selfish desire to tell this person that they have had such an impact on me, but how do I do that? How do you tell a person something like that? I can't, but if I don't... it will bother me. I've tried to write down my feelings and channel them that way, but it only seems to amplify my anxiety to tell this person. I made a stinking vow to not tell them for a long time, for certain reasons.... why do I feel so anxious to tell them? After all, I won't necessarily gain anything from it, will I? I guess I will gain something actually, because I'll have more peace of mind. I'm afraid of what this person will think if I actually come out and say, "Hey I think you're the most inspiring person I've ever spoken to and you have improved my life!" I can't say that, can I? Or can I? I think that person would be very confused.
I think that person would not believe me, not because they would doubt me and my words, but because they do not realize how stunning they are. They don't know how it feels to be someone on the receiving end of their words in a conversation. If only we could truly view ourselves from the eyes of others sometimes, we would all be more well rounded and understanding.
I want to tell this person and toss my promise to keep my views to myself aside for a couple of reasons....
I want this person to know because if I don't tell them, I'll probably die of anxiety. Each time we speak, I have to hold myself back from saying "You're brilliant!"
The other reason I want to tell them NOW is a simple, cliche one: we don't know if tomorrow will come, and then I might miss my chance.
If a person is that incredible, they should be told, right? I might miss my chance, and that thought scares me because I really want them to know. I wish I could just drop some anonymous note to this person, without them knowing who it was from, and tell them all these things. If I did that though, my words would have no credibility because they wouldn't know who it was from. I wonder if any of this blog makes any sense at all. I doubt anyone will understand... I am so frustrated. I am between a rock and a hard place, as the saying goes.
I didn't think friendship would have this great of an effect on me, certainly not. I was so stuck in my ways of simple life, not moving and not craving anything more, I had long ago stopped thinking outside of the box. I was moved to actually wake up and I owe this person so much. They are unaware I believe, for the most part. I mean... I have really tried to keep my words in check.
Frustrated, frustrated, frustrated..... and my words are so ungraceful and unrefined right now. I don't really care, this is a blog after all so fuck it.
Well, I hope I can tell this person without sounding too foolish. I still am convinced that my motives for telling this person are rooted in selfishness, so yeah...I am guilty of that. I just want them to know. I just do.
So this blog was weird, I know.
*shrugs*
I guess in conclusion, I can say I am glad to have their friendship.
(understatement of the year)
Peace out.
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Expectations of Society
What a boring title...Expectations of Society. I lack creativity it seems. I suppose I am just like society. Even creating a title regarding a subject so uninteresting is difficult.
Well, tonight I am just getting some things off my chest that pertain to something which has been sort of itching in the back of my mind for a while. When it comes to society's expectations of how we should or should not behave/live, of course one could go off on a rant that would never end - someone like me especially. Someone who is observant and constantly aware of their surroundings as if they were being seen from an impartial third party perspective. I hope I do not sound boastful in stating that I do at least strive to see the world around me in this manner. One may think I am stroking my ego to make such a claim, because it may give off the impression that I think I am perfect. I do not think this, but I do believe I strive for ideals that more people should put into practice.
Of course, having discussed this subject with an online friend has also amplified the thoughts which already existed, much as water does to a plant (except for the whole dying thing for lack of water, that is).
What is really on my mind tonight regarding society's expectations?
Children and my lack of desire to have them for myself.
I may have spoken of this before, I am not sure, but I will say it once more: I do not intend to ever have children.
I work with many people and I meet many people all day, everyday. When you work in such a social environment (no joke, we have over a thousand customers per day usually. I know because we have an electronic customer counter) one is forced to have conversation constantly, whether it is with co-workers or customers.
What then? Eventually you get used to being asked the same questions.
"So how long have you been working here?"
"Are you from around here? Your accent is different"
"Are you in college?" (Since I appear that age of course this gets asked a lot)
"DO YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN?"
So, these questions get asked over and over. You know, through just having simple conversation with people, I get asked the last question almost daily. I do not get tired of the question. I do not get tired of people asking me, and I do not get tired of the reply which I give that tells them a firm "no".
What I get tired of is the response to my reply:
"What?! Why not?!"
They act as if I just told them I did not want to even live another day, as if it was some preposterous idea that is so God damned alien to them....why, who'd have thought?!
Jesus Christ, this woman does not want children! That's so fucking....ABNORMAL!
Then there is another response that will soon follow which I am all too familiar with as well:
"Oh, that'll change, trust me. I know. I said the same thing. You'll want kids some day. Everyone thinks that at some point, but you'll want them eventually"
Now, perhaps I am alone in my thinking, but I think such a reply is rude.
Rude? Why rude?
I feel like telling them this:
"Excuse me? I beg your fucking PARDON, but did you just discredit my opinion on what I myself want/do not want out of life? And what reason have you to doubt my knowledge of what I want/do not want? Is it my age? The fact that I am female? Do you think I am inexperienced at life and haven't had enough exposure to children to have an educated opinion on the matter? Regardless of your reason for doubting my sincerity on the matter, it's rude of you to tell me I don't know what I want/do not want"
All this passes through my mind in an instant, but I simply will smile and inwardly sigh. Such simple minds... they would not understand even if I did rant that little lecture to them.
It is a simple concept.
For instance, pizza is my favorite food at the end of the day. I love the shit out of pizza. I think pizza is so damned tasty, and also you can get a lot of food for a small price when you order pizza. I can reheat it and take it for lunch at work and enjoy it the next day. It can be delivered to my door or I can hit up any pizza joint around town to get it, it's just so convenient. i can give all these freaking reasons why I think pizza is so damned awesome. That is my opinion, however, and there are those who fucking hate pizza.
Imagine this scenario:
"Do you want pizza?"
"No, thanks. I do not like pizza and I never have"
"What? No way, you're crazy. You'll want it eventually! Everyone says that at some point but you all come around and you'll want pizza at SOME point and change your mind!"
I am discrediting their opinion and their God damned right to not fucking want something.
Now, you may argue that it is indeed true that many parents change their mind about wanting kids and are happy that they have them. You may also argue that comparing pizza and babies isn't exactly a fair analogy but forget the objects I am comparing. It is the principle I am putting emphasis on, so do not judge me for comparing a food and a human being.
As to the fact that many parents change their minds about having children and decide suddenly, "Hey kids are just the shiz!" , I have a couple of explanations for this.
One - they had kids by "accident" (yeah right, they were irresponsible horny fucking retards) and were forced to live up to the consequences of their actions, therefore unintentionally discovering that they can either tolerate children or that they actually like them.
Or
Two - they thought they did not want children because they were under the wrong impression about what having kids was all about, but then OH! ONE DAY! One day they just have some small thought that maybe children would be a good thing to have for whatever reason. Maybe they want to continue their blood line or whatever. They decide having a child will make them happy. Some have even tried having kids to "save" a marriage (Bad mistake, BAD!). Anyhow, bottom line: they change their minds for whatever reason and voluntarily have children.
Now....I work with eighty-something people. Actually, it may be up to ninety or so now. Many of them have kids. I know the story behind them all. Almost everyone is single there. Most are single parents. As for the ones that are married parents, most of them had the children before they were married. Of those who had kids before they were married, some are not even from the partner they are currently married to. This can be said of most people I meet if I find out the background story on their children and married lives/past lives. It can even be said of my own family. So many have kids out of marriage by "mistake" or have kids from different partners and are married to someone else now.
I, however, know what I want/do not want more so than most people. I have already thought of the things that never occur to some people in regards to children. I know what a burden it is.
What is my point in all this?
People don't know what the FUCK they are getting into by having kids, usually.
I, however, do realize what all having a kid involves and I say "Hell fucking no, thank you very much!"
Now with all the fucking billions of people on the planet, think about this: what if we all aspired to have children? Surely we would wipe out our own race by over population and then we would be even worse off. Is it so bad to not want children?
When people ask me my reasons for not wanting children, I give them a completely simple, honest and rational (yet shocking to most) answer.
"I'm selfish," I tell them
Most people have an expression of shock pass over their faces at how casually I shrug and tell them that I don't want children because I am selfish. Few people have ever understood what I mean by such a statement.
Being a parent means devoting time to your child. It means self sacrifice. It means you'll have to have extra patience and extra responsibilities. You now have another fucking human life depending on you and looking to you for their every need.
Do you REALLY think I am fit for such a role when I admit I am selfish? I like having nothing to worry about but myself. I like having no one tugging on me for their needs 24/7. I like having no chains binding me. I like not having to spend extra money to support some one else also. Money is always a factor, right? I do what I want, when I want. I am selfish. I realize it. I may be a good potential parent in regards to raising a kid, but I have no desire within me.
How does it relate back to society? Well, let's examine that.
In our culture, we put emphasis on girls from a young age to be motherly by our media, our toys such as baby dolls and the like. Most every woman I know will admit or has admitted to me that they always dreamed of having kids since they were such and such age. Even those who didn't have children intentionally, they too had a certain number of kids in mind that they wanted even before they met the right partner. I'm sorry, isn't that a bit fucking backwards? Whether it's through some fucking movie that glorifies having children and paints a different portrayal of parent life, illusioned childhood dreams that never matured into sound adult realizations, or even some stupid fucking "keeping up with the Jones" complex of wanting to have what others around you have.....whatever the reason, culture has ingrained and embedded it into your American mind that you should fucking reproduce, regardless of whether or not you have a partner. Regardless of whether or not you have the money. Regardless of whether or not you are even fucking sane! Regardless of whether or not you have any means of taking care of a child, you are not only entitled to have one, but you are considered abnormal for NOT having one! You are expected to have one, yes at least one surely!
Well not me, reader, not me! I shall go against the grain and continue to attempt to enlighten the world by telling my simple, bizarre reply of, "I'm selfish."
A guy at work the other night is hanging around my desk near closing time. His name is A.C. (No really, that's his legal name) and he is speaking to my co-worker, Jason. A.C. is discussing his kids, and since Jason has 3 children, he joins in on the conversation. These conversations usually exclude me, and I am used to it. They only reinforce my desire to remain childless, because the parents are almost always bitching about something to do with their children.
A.C. makes a comment about me not having kids, and says something along the lines of "Amanda says she doesn't want kids. Yeah, she claims she is too selfish."
I nod. I don't offer up further explanation. I don't need to explain myself, the words are quite plain and simple.
Jason just looks to the side at me with a puzzled expression. I still do not offer up an explanation.
A.C. continues to speak on the subject in regards to me, however, saying, "Amanda would make a great parent though, her and Ray. Yep, have you ever seen them talk to each other?"
(He is asking Jason this question)
Jason shakes his head, he's never been around me and Ray because he is a new guy at work.
A.C. explains to Jason how me and Ray act around each other, so kind, patient and somewhat formal despite our living together and being together for 2 years. He is right though... we are far more kind and rational toward each other than any one else I have ever seen. We are not like most couples, over emotional and such. We do not argue. We've never had an argument. Not even with the last couple of months and my confusion over where I stand sexually, we never argued. We just talk things out.
"I can't imagine those two ever arguing," A.C. says, "they're too nice to each other."
A.C. is right about a few things. Ray would make a great parent. I would too actually, as far as my raising the child. I would actually use reasoning and would not be over emotional, although I would analyze my kid far too much. However, just because I know I would be good at something doesn't mean that I would WANT to do it.
I think many people have kids out of selfishness also.
They want the kid.
They think it would be nice.
They think it would make them happy.
They would like to continue their family lineage.
They had a kid by accident because they were serving their pleasure when fucking like animals, not thinking of consequences.
I am not criticizing these reasons, but I am saying that it still is rooted in something that they want, something that pleases them ultimately.
It's funny... I don't want children because I am selfish, and that is also the reason most have kids.
Well, fuck society's expectations for me to bear children.
They can shove their expectations up their own child bearing cooters.
Good night all.
Well, tonight I am just getting some things off my chest that pertain to something which has been sort of itching in the back of my mind for a while. When it comes to society's expectations of how we should or should not behave/live, of course one could go off on a rant that would never end - someone like me especially. Someone who is observant and constantly aware of their surroundings as if they were being seen from an impartial third party perspective. I hope I do not sound boastful in stating that I do at least strive to see the world around me in this manner. One may think I am stroking my ego to make such a claim, because it may give off the impression that I think I am perfect. I do not think this, but I do believe I strive for ideals that more people should put into practice.
Of course, having discussed this subject with an online friend has also amplified the thoughts which already existed, much as water does to a plant (except for the whole dying thing for lack of water, that is).
What is really on my mind tonight regarding society's expectations?
Children and my lack of desire to have them for myself.
I may have spoken of this before, I am not sure, but I will say it once more: I do not intend to ever have children.
I work with many people and I meet many people all day, everyday. When you work in such a social environment (no joke, we have over a thousand customers per day usually. I know because we have an electronic customer counter) one is forced to have conversation constantly, whether it is with co-workers or customers.
What then? Eventually you get used to being asked the same questions.
"So how long have you been working here?"
"Are you from around here? Your accent is different"
"Are you in college?" (Since I appear that age of course this gets asked a lot)
"DO YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN?"
So, these questions get asked over and over. You know, through just having simple conversation with people, I get asked the last question almost daily. I do not get tired of the question. I do not get tired of people asking me, and I do not get tired of the reply which I give that tells them a firm "no".
What I get tired of is the response to my reply:
"What?! Why not?!"
They act as if I just told them I did not want to even live another day, as if it was some preposterous idea that is so God damned alien to them....why, who'd have thought?!
Jesus Christ, this woman does not want children! That's so fucking....ABNORMAL!
Then there is another response that will soon follow which I am all too familiar with as well:
"Oh, that'll change, trust me. I know. I said the same thing. You'll want kids some day. Everyone thinks that at some point, but you'll want them eventually"
Now, perhaps I am alone in my thinking, but I think such a reply is rude.
Rude? Why rude?
I feel like telling them this:
"Excuse me? I beg your fucking PARDON, but did you just discredit my opinion on what I myself want/do not want out of life? And what reason have you to doubt my knowledge of what I want/do not want? Is it my age? The fact that I am female? Do you think I am inexperienced at life and haven't had enough exposure to children to have an educated opinion on the matter? Regardless of your reason for doubting my sincerity on the matter, it's rude of you to tell me I don't know what I want/do not want"
All this passes through my mind in an instant, but I simply will smile and inwardly sigh. Such simple minds... they would not understand even if I did rant that little lecture to them.
It is a simple concept.
For instance, pizza is my favorite food at the end of the day. I love the shit out of pizza. I think pizza is so damned tasty, and also you can get a lot of food for a small price when you order pizza. I can reheat it and take it for lunch at work and enjoy it the next day. It can be delivered to my door or I can hit up any pizza joint around town to get it, it's just so convenient. i can give all these freaking reasons why I think pizza is so damned awesome. That is my opinion, however, and there are those who fucking hate pizza.
Imagine this scenario:
"Do you want pizza?"
"No, thanks. I do not like pizza and I never have"
"What? No way, you're crazy. You'll want it eventually! Everyone says that at some point but you all come around and you'll want pizza at SOME point and change your mind!"
I am discrediting their opinion and their God damned right to not fucking want something.
Now, you may argue that it is indeed true that many parents change their mind about wanting kids and are happy that they have them. You may also argue that comparing pizza and babies isn't exactly a fair analogy but forget the objects I am comparing. It is the principle I am putting emphasis on, so do not judge me for comparing a food and a human being.
As to the fact that many parents change their minds about having children and decide suddenly, "Hey kids are just the shiz!" , I have a couple of explanations for this.
One - they had kids by "accident" (yeah right, they were irresponsible horny fucking retards) and were forced to live up to the consequences of their actions, therefore unintentionally discovering that they can either tolerate children or that they actually like them.
Or
Two - they thought they did not want children because they were under the wrong impression about what having kids was all about, but then OH! ONE DAY! One day they just have some small thought that maybe children would be a good thing to have for whatever reason. Maybe they want to continue their blood line or whatever. They decide having a child will make them happy. Some have even tried having kids to "save" a marriage (Bad mistake, BAD!). Anyhow, bottom line: they change their minds for whatever reason and voluntarily have children.
Now....I work with eighty-something people. Actually, it may be up to ninety or so now. Many of them have kids. I know the story behind them all. Almost everyone is single there. Most are single parents. As for the ones that are married parents, most of them had the children before they were married. Of those who had kids before they were married, some are not even from the partner they are currently married to. This can be said of most people I meet if I find out the background story on their children and married lives/past lives. It can even be said of my own family. So many have kids out of marriage by "mistake" or have kids from different partners and are married to someone else now.
I, however, know what I want/do not want more so than most people. I have already thought of the things that never occur to some people in regards to children. I know what a burden it is.
What is my point in all this?
People don't know what the FUCK they are getting into by having kids, usually.
I, however, do realize what all having a kid involves and I say "Hell fucking no, thank you very much!"
Now with all the fucking billions of people on the planet, think about this: what if we all aspired to have children? Surely we would wipe out our own race by over population and then we would be even worse off. Is it so bad to not want children?
When people ask me my reasons for not wanting children, I give them a completely simple, honest and rational (yet shocking to most) answer.
"I'm selfish," I tell them
Most people have an expression of shock pass over their faces at how casually I shrug and tell them that I don't want children because I am selfish. Few people have ever understood what I mean by such a statement.
Being a parent means devoting time to your child. It means self sacrifice. It means you'll have to have extra patience and extra responsibilities. You now have another fucking human life depending on you and looking to you for their every need.
Do you REALLY think I am fit for such a role when I admit I am selfish? I like having nothing to worry about but myself. I like having no one tugging on me for their needs 24/7. I like having no chains binding me. I like not having to spend extra money to support some one else also. Money is always a factor, right? I do what I want, when I want. I am selfish. I realize it. I may be a good potential parent in regards to raising a kid, but I have no desire within me.
How does it relate back to society? Well, let's examine that.
In our culture, we put emphasis on girls from a young age to be motherly by our media, our toys such as baby dolls and the like. Most every woman I know will admit or has admitted to me that they always dreamed of having kids since they were such and such age. Even those who didn't have children intentionally, they too had a certain number of kids in mind that they wanted even before they met the right partner. I'm sorry, isn't that a bit fucking backwards? Whether it's through some fucking movie that glorifies having children and paints a different portrayal of parent life, illusioned childhood dreams that never matured into sound adult realizations, or even some stupid fucking "keeping up with the Jones" complex of wanting to have what others around you have.....whatever the reason, culture has ingrained and embedded it into your American mind that you should fucking reproduce, regardless of whether or not you have a partner. Regardless of whether or not you have the money. Regardless of whether or not you are even fucking sane! Regardless of whether or not you have any means of taking care of a child, you are not only entitled to have one, but you are considered abnormal for NOT having one! You are expected to have one, yes at least one surely!
Well not me, reader, not me! I shall go against the grain and continue to attempt to enlighten the world by telling my simple, bizarre reply of, "I'm selfish."
A guy at work the other night is hanging around my desk near closing time. His name is A.C. (No really, that's his legal name) and he is speaking to my co-worker, Jason. A.C. is discussing his kids, and since Jason has 3 children, he joins in on the conversation. These conversations usually exclude me, and I am used to it. They only reinforce my desire to remain childless, because the parents are almost always bitching about something to do with their children.
A.C. makes a comment about me not having kids, and says something along the lines of "Amanda says she doesn't want kids. Yeah, she claims she is too selfish."
I nod. I don't offer up further explanation. I don't need to explain myself, the words are quite plain and simple.
Jason just looks to the side at me with a puzzled expression. I still do not offer up an explanation.
A.C. continues to speak on the subject in regards to me, however, saying, "Amanda would make a great parent though, her and Ray. Yep, have you ever seen them talk to each other?"
(He is asking Jason this question)
Jason shakes his head, he's never been around me and Ray because he is a new guy at work.
A.C. explains to Jason how me and Ray act around each other, so kind, patient and somewhat formal despite our living together and being together for 2 years. He is right though... we are far more kind and rational toward each other than any one else I have ever seen. We are not like most couples, over emotional and such. We do not argue. We've never had an argument. Not even with the last couple of months and my confusion over where I stand sexually, we never argued. We just talk things out.
"I can't imagine those two ever arguing," A.C. says, "they're too nice to each other."
A.C. is right about a few things. Ray would make a great parent. I would too actually, as far as my raising the child. I would actually use reasoning and would not be over emotional, although I would analyze my kid far too much. However, just because I know I would be good at something doesn't mean that I would WANT to do it.
I think many people have kids out of selfishness also.
They want the kid.
They think it would be nice.
They think it would make them happy.
They would like to continue their family lineage.
They had a kid by accident because they were serving their pleasure when fucking like animals, not thinking of consequences.
I am not criticizing these reasons, but I am saying that it still is rooted in something that they want, something that pleases them ultimately.
It's funny... I don't want children because I am selfish, and that is also the reason most have kids.
Well, fuck society's expectations for me to bear children.
They can shove their expectations up their own child bearing cooters.
Good night all.
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