Can't focus

Forgive how very informal and weird this entry will be.

I can't seem to focus on anything right now. I am having trouble with distraction. I'm trying to focus on a writing assignment and I can't stop thinking about something bothering me. I use this blog to vent frustration, get shit off my chest, put random thoughts about life and society in order, or just whatever...and there's not a  point in putting shit in here if I'm not fully honest.

I still have to censor some of the things I say, and tone them down until they mean almost nothing when I strip my words of their essential depth. This is random because this entry has almost no purpose. It won't have a really stressed point that I am trying to convey where I offer up supporting facts. It doesn't really have much of an intro and it's body is quite empty, and it will lastly have an inconclusive ending of nothing...

I suppose I am in that spot commonly called depression, but my head is telling me it's hormonal and will pass.

Alanis' "Mary Jane" isn't helping, but fuck it, it's a comfort song to me.



I am going to have to re-examine what makes me happy. Am I being overly analytical again, thinking on shit that I shouldn't, complicating what should be simple and making a mountain out of a mole hill? Probably. I have to though. I'm not light hearted...sometimes I wish I could be. My heart is heavy so I have to reassure myself that there is a reason I'm feeling what I am feeling: I've lost my focus of happiness.


Ever thought of what makes you happy?

I have...lots of times.


For the most part, it's useless to reflect upon this topic for very long I think because we often make it worse by doing so. However, I am trying to refocus myself in this area because I used to take simple pleasure in so many things. Everything around me seemed beautiful in some way or another. I didn't need anyone for my happiness, that's a horrible trap to fall into. Don't let some person be your happiness. They won't always be there. I've learned that all too well, too fucking well in fact. Don't let earthly belongings become your happiness, they are temporary and shallow material possessions that aren't worth shit in the end.

I can go on and on about what you should not let become the focus of your happiness, but then I will be left with the question, "If not those, then what?"


I'll tell you what used to work for me, and what I've recently lost sight of: yourself. It's all you've got after all, right?  You can't always change your surroundings and circumstances or the people around you, but you can change your outlook on these things. I once truly was more loving. I used to have so much more compassion. I still have compassion, I do. I really do. I have such sympathy that it hurts. However...I am not what I used to be in these areas. I used to just love everyone, I was a loving person all around since I believed I was supposed to be. The Bible says to love enemies, for if we only love our friends, what good is that? Even an evil man can do that, Jesus said.


The last time I saw my mother, I was standing on the back porch of the home we all once lived in after it had been cleaned out. The furniture had been packed into a truck to be hauled to Washington with my sister and her family. The house felt so damned empty without the usual belongings in it. I walked the house for one last time, feeling a bit dazed by all the memories that flooded to mind before going to the back porch to look out over the back lawn and big blue sky.

My mother asked me one final time if I would reconsider buying the home since everyone was moving out of it. I told her once more that it would be impractical for me to do so, it's so far from my work and in need of repairs that I cannot afford. Besides, the mortgage payments are quite a bit and Raymond and I don't want that extra cost. I sighed...I was saying goodbye to a place that I loved, despite how many bad things happened there.

My mother apologized to me for being a shitty mother. That was unexpected. I guess she wanted to get some shit off her chest as well. She told me she was proud of what I'd become, despite how bad she was at raising children. She began to cry.

Years ago, I would have wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly, reassuring her it was ok and that I forgave her for all the horrible things she'd done and the things she'd neglected.

I didn't hug her though...I didn't do anything but keep staring forward as I leaned against one of the porch pillars and felt the summer wind blowing hotly against my face. I was too immune to her tears at this point and they only served to anger me more these days. I really get angry when she cries about her mistakes now. All it does is make me angry. If anyone has a right to fucking CRY, it's me. I don't though. I just suck it up and say, "Thats fuckin life for ya," you know...

I just kind of scoffed and shifted the subject away from her being a bad parent.


"Why are you proud of me? I've not accomplished anything, so what's there to be proud of?"

I was still staring forward, I didn't want to look at her.

"I see the person you were and what you've become now. You're so much stronger than I am, you've over come it all. You're like a lioness. You're also the most loving person I know baby, and that's something to be proud of in a daughter. You're just like the song we named you after:  "You came and you gave without taking..." and that's exactly what you do. You give and don't take..."



Most parents aren't this open with their children about their feelings. My mom is an exception. I have that dumb over emotional gene in me I guess, I don't know. I, like her, cannot hold in emotion. I have to express it and tell it.

I wasn't moved by my mother's speech about what a great person I am and how she loves me so much. I've heard it all before from her in fact. I still am resentful toward her... I always will be.


I am not the loving person she thinks I am. I am loving, don't get me wrong, but she remembers the much more kind, loving and gentle person I once was.


I think I'm not that person anymore, I don't know.


I just don't know.


I have a short temper now. I have a potty mouth (but I don't give a rat's ass about this part, it just shows I've changed, that's all).  I have very little patience for people, unless I count them as friends - it seems I have infinite patience for those I care for. What good is that after all? I think Jesus was right...


I really do need to refocus my drive.  I can't let people get me down, but at the same time, I can't let them lift me up either. People won't BE THERE all the fucking time, you know? I still fall into the same traps.


I think that's also the person Ray fell in love with. I was so different. I have changed just so much...so fucking much. Ray still loves me  -even more than before, actually!

He thinks my short temper is adorable, and he calls me his "Snapping turtle" :\

He thinks how grumpy I am in the morning is an endearing feature and he just wakes up laughing about it.


He doesn't roll his eyes as most guys do when their girlfriend start bitching about some random thing (I go off on rants when I am passionate about something) but instead he smiles and laughs. He might even ask questions or add to the rant. We usually agree on every topic, but I think 75% of that is because I am persuasive in my arguments and he thinks I'm always right.


He says he can't stand all the ditsy girls around me and loves my sense of reasoning and how balanced I am.


Ray still loves me, he loves me even more than the shy, sweet and gentle girl I once was.


Why?


I am happier with how I am these days, but I do miss some aspects of that girl who once thought everything and everyone was beautiful, the girl who loved even her enemies with a fierce force that couldn't be turned away, the girl who always turned the other cheek (and yes, that shit hurts too, fuck it)....the girl who cried easily.


I don't cry easily these days. I'm not really moved very often. There are few things in life that move me. I seem to cling to the few things that do move me. I should seek out more sources, I'm kind of running on empty right now and you can see the result of such emptiness: the result is this stupid blog entry.